Pee! Pee! Dress!
Image: AP

Here is America’s favorite Taurus, Melania Trump, dazzling in a dress the color of a medium-hydrated person’s urine. What are you trying to say, Melania?

Do you have the piss tape? Do you really like butter? Is a daffodil your favorite flower? Did someone tell you once that yellow is a color that bestows eternal youth to the wearer and have you seized upon this in an attempt to distract us from the man whose meaty paw you grip? Or, again, do you have the piss tape?

Look at the dress in motion, blowing in the British breeze. See how it flutters, like the tinkle of a stream of urine from the nethers of a racehorse, or perhaps a man who allegedly loves to urinate on Russian sex workers in a hotel room. Do you have the tape? Is there a tape? Why so yellow?

Blink once if you hear me. Emit an electronic beeping from your nasal cavity if the real Melania cannot come to the phone.