I need help with something. See, I am probably too dumb to parse the exceedingly complex word of high stakes white-collar crime that Donald Trump and his crime guys are so enamored with. My understanding was, until recently, that crime guys do some crimes, and then some other crime guys do some more crimes. And if those crime guys are unlucky, some anti-crime guys in crime-fighting costumes bust through a window and arrest them for crimes. With enough help from elite anti-crime lawyers, the crime guys eventually get sentenced to rich people prison, where they will gossip about their crimes with other crime guys. Is this outlook on crime too simple?
Yesterday, after undermining his own Justice Department prosecutors and recommending a lower sentence for crime guy Roger Stone, fellow crime guy William Barr made a simple request of Donald Trump: “Please stop tweeting me, dude!”
He shared this sentiment with ABC News, where he told reporters:
“I’m not going to be bullied or influenced by anybody, and I said, whether it’s Congress, newspaper editorial board, or the president, I’m going to do what I think is right. I cannot do my job here at the department with a constant background commentary that undercuts me.”
Now again, I am probably not smart enough to understand the complexities of crime here—but when Barr says “job,” he’s talking about crime, right? Did he go on the news to shade the President for making it hard to commit crime? Perhaps I’m reading too far into it. Maybe he just really loves his job! (Which again, is crime, correct?) No matter, because by tomorrow there will be some other crime to worry about in the ever-expanding network of crime people slithering around this administration. At what point to the elite-crime fighting superheroes bust through the windows, though? Please hurry! [New York Times]
In better news—or worse, if you’re particularly homophobic—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will be joining RuPaul’s Drag Race as a guest judge on its upcoming season later this month. It’s unclear at what point she took time out of that busy impeachment schedule to film in Los Angeles for an afternoon, but it wasn’t like that debacle amounted to much anyway. Might as well have some fun in the fallout!
Unfortunately, I am right about everything, and if more people read my blogs, I wouldn’t have to criticize the outfit of our most beloved elected official. The red lip and eyebrows are perfect, as is the completion work—shoutout to a high blush! For future drag competition show booking, though, a note to her stylist: Never put a legend like AOC in a cap-sleeve sequin dress when Clare Waight Keller would have gladly imparted a few pieces from Givenchy Haute Couture’s most recent collection, which had a much better grasp on ruffles. I cannot read Keller’s mind, of course, but she has good taste in clothes. Surely she has good taste in politicians, too!
Everyone, let’s point at this man and laugh:
- Nevada’s Culinary Union will wait until after the usual endorsement period to... endorse. [The Hill]
- Shockingly, establishment Democrats still don’t like Bernie Sanders. [NBC News]
- Fuck Mike Bloomberg! [The Intercept]
- Something’s funky about those newly released maternal mortality rate numbers. [ProPublica]
- Pete Buttigieg still sucks, in case you needed the reminder. [AP]
- Even Trump’s lusty comments about Jim Jordan’s body won’t save the dude. [CNN]
- I really cannot deal with this. [New York Times]