What Else Has Donald Trump Thought About Jim Jordan's Body?

Illustration for article titled What Else Has Donald Trump Thought About Jim Jordans Body?
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When he is not willfully ignoring alleged sexual harrassment from former co-workers like the now disgraced doctor Richard Strauss, former wrestler-turned-Ohio Republican Jim Jordan is probably working out. Donald Trump, who definitely does not work out, definitely has a thing for men who do. And I’m not talking sexually, because I am not a 12-year-old. Part fantasy, part envy, Trump’s fascination with the male body—especially what his own might look like were he, say, Rocky Balboa—extends as far back as 2007, when he was showering Vince McMahon with money and affection at WWE matches. He just really loves himself a buff dude!

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Earlier today, Trump gave a speech from the White House’s East Room, where he blathered on for a bit about his acquittal in the Senate Wednesday. Jim Jordan, who likely works out, was in attendance, probably because of his outspoken defense of Trump during the impeachment trial. (Trump does love surrounding himself with fans after all.) Anyway, probably distracted by the musculature that is definitely hiding under Jordan’s ill-fitting button-up, Trump broke from his remarks to praise the Congressman for his lack of jackets and his bodily pride.

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Again, any fantasy here has little to do with Jordan, and more to do with the mental image spun by the hamsters in Trump’s head, which involves his toupee and spray tan transposed over the figure of a man half his age and three hundred times as fit. Whether that fantasy also involves Melania, or maybe a body double with which he can wrestle with, is currently unclear. But at least we can verify that he has already moved far, far past the impeachment hearings! (As expected.)

I’d also like to venture, for a moment, that there exists a future where Jim Jordan pivots to InfoWars supplement influencer and fitness model. This future also involves full page spreads in Muscle Gun Man magazine, and Instagram posts offering the discount code #JordansBeefyBody. You read it here first! [The Hill]


NBC News reports that Trump supporters, rallied by a “fringe internet message board” better known as 4chan, were acting in concert to clog up the Iowa caucus phone lines Monday night. Comments by the Iowa Democratic Party to Bloomberg News stressed that “supporters of President Trump called to express their displeasure with the Democratic Party.”

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The outlet also reports that 4chan users repeatedly posted the phone number, obtained via Google search, alongside the instructions to stall the phone lines. Rob Sand, an Iowa state auditor, claimed: ““A lot of calls came in at a certain point where it was clear somebody had published the hotline number somewhere.”

This is nothing new for 4chan users, or other fringe internet hotbeds full of Trump-crazed trolls and alt-right organizers. During the last election cycle, hordes of 4chan users worked to deceive pollsters about who “won” debates. They also showed up in droves to intimidate voters on Election Day. The same practice has since carried over into this election cycle, with users being urged to push candidates like Andrew Yang and Marianne Williamson ahead in debate polls. [NBC News]

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I implore the brilliant minds of my generation to build a time machine, with the express purpose of traveling back in time and bullying Matt Gaetz more in high school.

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  • Who is voting for Joe Biden anyway? Definitely not the staff he’s axing after Iowa! [Politico]
  • Another person has died in border patrol custody. [Buzzfeed News]
  • Speaking of terrorist organizations, ICE murdered a man while arresting an immigrant in Brooklyn. [NY Daily News]
  • Will Andrew Yang make it to Super Tuesday? Probably not! [Politico]
  • There are an incredible amount of errors in the Iowa caucus results, in case you didn’t hear. [NYT]

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teenyshelton
teenyshelton

Matt Gaetz saying “Nobody is above the law. She must be held accountable,” is really fucking rich.