President Trump Just Wants You To Flush Your Poops With Ease and Look Good While You Do It

President Trump took some time to rally against enemies old and new today during a roundtable with small business owners and administration officials, all in the name of shitting on the environment. He reignited his hatred of new energy-efficient lightbulbs, citing their expense and their tendency to make him look orange.

“And I hate to say it — it doesn’t make you look as good,” Trump said. “Being a vain person that’s very important to me. It gives you an orange look. I don’t want an orange look.”

Everyone laughed. Was Trump making fun of himself for once? Does he know that we all found out about his little makeup secret this morning? Who knows, but he found a way to make environmentally-friendly lightbulbs all about him, a feat onto itself. And he didn’t stop there.

Next up on the docket: Deregulating… water standards. And toilets. And sinks with, uh, bad water pressure?

“People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times… as opposed to once,” Trump said. “They end up using more water. So [the] EPA is looking at that very strongly, at my suggestion.”

You won’t find many Americans who aren’t in favor of good water pressure and efficient toilets, and there are plenty of nightmarish toilets across this great land. But flushing toilets 10 to 15 times to get whatever’s in there down the pipes… starts to sound like a personal problem. What’s goin’ on there, bud?

Anyway, if you were able to watch those videos without your brain melting, congrats. I’m still recovering.

Pete Buttigieg has kept quiet about his three-year tenure at notoriously secretive consulting firm McKinsey & Company, citing a non-disclosure agreement he signed as an employee to which he is still bound. But now his campaign has requested that McKinsey release him from his NDA and release the full list of his former clients. The Buttigieg camp told Huff Post that while McKinsey has not agreed to their request thus far, they’re “hopeful we can share more about his work soon.”

In the meantime, Team Pete is more than happy to beef with Team Warren:

Joe Biden has some thoughts about Medicare-for-All (“The party’s not there at all.”) and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (“She’s a bright, wonderful person. But where’s the party? Come on, man.”) that he recently shared in an interview with Axios. You can discover the full range of his brilliant, brilliant mind on Sunday night at 6:30 p.m. ET on HBO.

It turns out Beto O’Rourke has actually been making himself useful since he ended his doomed presidential run: He’s been trying to flip the Texas House of Representatives blue. [Texas Standard]
Meanwhile, Marianne Williamson is still running and is, uh, promising to investigate vaccines if she becomes president. But don’t even think about calling this an anti-vax proposal!

Here’s Cory Booker’s response to Bloomberg calling him “well-spoken” in a CBS Morning News interview:

And in other news, I’m still haunted by these photos of Ivanka Trump visiting the Indianapolis Motor Speedway this week:

I just…

I mean, sure.