Hunter Biden Should Just Pay for the Damn Baby

Big Time Small-Time DicksWelcome to Big Time Small-Time Dicks, a regular column on The Slot that explores local politicians, small-town scandals, and everything else making life miserable on a local level.

Hunter Biden’s actual political scandal — his secret child in Arkansas — has a new wrinkle. That wrinkle is that the son of the former vice president of the United States is not only too broke, but too broke to tell everyone just how broke he is because it’s embarrassing.

Biden filed a motion requesting a protective order for all of his financial records on Wednesday, according to The Daily Mail. “The likelihood that [his] private records will be used in an inappropriate or malicious manner for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with these proceedings is exceedingly high and should not be tolerated by the court,” the filing read.

Advertisement

I love the reasons why a protective order for Biden’s financials: “undue prejudice, annoyance, embarrassment, and/or oppression.”

This is the latest in the saga between Biden and Lunden Roberts, who he met at a strip club in Washington, D.C., Page Six reported. (The dates mean Biden was likely still dating his late brother’s widow at the time, the tabloid reported.)

To her credit, Roberts isn’t opposed to a protective order, but the parties can’t seem to agree on terms. Thus far, Roberts is demanding Biden pay $11,000 in legal fees as well as child support, which feels more than fair! But Biden doesn’t have that money, according to a sworn statement. “In an effort to demonstrate to this court my good faith, I attest that I am unemployed and have had no monthly income since May 2019,” Biden’s statement read, according to the Mail.

In the grand scheme of things, $11,000 doesn’t seem like that much, and he should just pay it. Seriously, this is a “cash out your 401(k)” kind of situation. Paying the fees is the fastest way to make this actual scandal disappear. (Also, financially supporting a child you fathered is a baseline of decent parenting.)

Advertisement

But do I understand not having a lot of money. May they who never had less than $30 in all their assets cast the first stone of undue prejudice, annoyance, embarrassment, and/or oppression.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter