How Many Push-Ups Do We Think Joe Biden Can Do?

Illustration for article titled How Many Push-Ups Do We Think Joe Biden Can Do?
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A giant bus emblazoned with the absurd slogan “NO MALARKEY” made a stop in New Hampton, Iowa today, laden with Joe Biden, his wife’s fingers, and his many predilections for licking them. While there, Biden hosted a town hall that was unceremoniously interrupted by a heckler, who challenged the presidential candidate on his son’s dealings in Ukraine.


Politico reports that an unidentified, “non-Republican” farmer accused Joe Biden of various things, including “selling access” like Donald Trump through his son and being too old to run for president. In response, Biden called the man “a damn liar,” and even challenged him to tests of endurance, strength, and IQ. Yep, Joe Biden took time away from munching on his wife’s ten fingers to challenge an anonymous heckler to a push-up contest!

The real question, though, is how many push-ups do we think Joe Biden can do? My guess is probably 25, if only because his grueling duel with Corn Pop likely left scars only Jill has been witness to.

However, I do worry that the collective nostalgia machine propelling Biden’s campaign will mean by this time next year, he will be challenging Donald Trump to another push-up contest on a televised debate stage. Funny enough—it might be the only push-up contest he’d win, considering Trump’s definitely healthy, not-at-all beleaguered heart would explode halfway through the first one. [Politico]

Even though her campaign is now four years past, Hilary Clinton can’t seem to move on from the belief that Bernie Sanders “stole” the election from her, despite near-universal support from the Democratic Establishment for her presidency and nomination.

Speaking with Howard Stern yesterday, she told the long-time shock jock, “[Bernie] hurt me, there’s no doubt about it.” She continued, saying: “And I hope he doesn’t do it again to whoever gets the nomination. Once is enough.” The comments are part of a long-running narrative that Bernie Sanders is the reason Donald Trump is president, despite being maligned by Democrats like Clinton, former aides, and the media who rallied behind her initial campaign.

If anything, Clinton’s style of politicking—ignoring working class voters, doubling down on celebrity supporters and highly publicized endorsements—hurt her more than Sanders in the last election, aside from the obvious election fuckery perpetuated by Republicans and Russia. This has only made more apparent in recent months, where she has attended art exhibitions about her emails, stoked TERF-adjacent ideologies in prominently transphobic outlets like the Sunday Times, and is rehashing Bernie Sanders’s supposed murder of her presidential hopes. Move on Hillary, for the sake of the next Democratic nominee! [CNN]


  • Trump had a dumb response to Nancy Pelosi. [NYT]
  • John Kerry, for some reason, has endorsed Joe Biden. [Washington Post]
  • A survey by UC Berkeley’s Institute of Governmental Studies shows Bernie Sanders gaining ground over Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden. [LA Times]


The Ghost of James Madison's Rage Boner

Can someone check on Judge Nap because I don’t think he’s feeling well.