Anytime Now, Guys [UPDATE]

Illustration for article titled Anytime Now, Guys [UPDATE]
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

How’s your $1,200 stimulus check from earlier this year holding up? Mine’s done OK covering all my food-related needs throughout the coronavirus pandemic (disclosure: I eat a single, see-through slice of bread à la that old Mickey Mouse cartoon for every meal), but I guess I am starting to run low and could use more money to survive, personally.

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Well, good news for me and perhaps even you: Congress appears poised to vote on the next covid-19 relief package in the next few hours—just in time to do probably nothing substantial to help out the millions of people facing eviction right now!

“It appears that barring a major mishap, the Senate and House will be able to vote on legislation as early as Sunday night,” Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer of New York told NBC News.

The package in question would likely include money for struggling businesses, a federal unemployment insurance bonus of $300 per week, and $600 direct payments to those of us who qualify. A spokesperson for Pennsylvania senator Pat Rooney called it an “unqualified victory for taxpayers,” and I have to agree! Cannot wait to use my $600 stimulus check to victoriously almost pay one month of my rent.

Update, 6:20 p.m. EST: They did it.

Freelance journalist (GQ, W, Esquire, elsewhere), here on weekends

DISCUSSION

leonthet
LeonT, Kinja Ice Axed Me!

It should have been $1,200/month for the past 11 months, for a start.

Yeah, I know: Where we gonna get the money?

How about we hold a Pentagon general up by their ankles and hit them in their fat ass until some money comes out. Like a pinata.