Would You Have Sex With the Newly-Bearded Paul Ryan?

Welcome to Would U?, an academic forum in which I share my gross crush of the week and ask if you, too, would bang that person.

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Paul Ryan (R-WI), newly-elected Speaker of the House of Representatives, is anti-abortion, anti-Obamacare, anti-climate change legislation, anti-gun control, anti-paid family leave, and pretty hot!

Besides all that other stuff, Paul Ryan likes working out, and also recently grew a short, scratchy, barrier-breaking little beard. Are you into it?

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This question was posed to members of both the Jezebel.com and Gawker.com staff; below is a lightly edited version of our conversation.

Bobby Finger: Yes. Next question.

Madeleine Davies: I would rather throw myself off a bridge.

Anna Merlan: No.

Kelly Faircloth: Fuck no.

Joanna Rothkopf: I think he looks p good with his beard. But would never.

Kate Dries: No.

Bobby Finger (privately, to me): ...I don’t understand why everyone’s like “nah.”

Me: Feel like Emma would.

Emma Carmichael: Ellie, yes, thanks.

Kate: Secondly, he looks better clean-shaven.

Emma: Wow no, Kate is wrong.

Madeleine: He looks like a triplets of belleville illustration.

Hillary Crosley: He’s the devil.

Emma: [Link]

Jia Tolentino: Uh, yeah.

Ashley Feinberg: Yes. Not in general. With beard yes.

Ashley: I was just thinking about that yesterday.

Allie Jones: I would not.

Hamilton Nolan: No.

Alex Pareene: I am only a yes when he’s wearing his backwards cap and working out.

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Ashley: While working out sounds physically complicated.

Sam Biddle: Yeah would smash.

Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: God this is all so confusing. Like, Y. But hard N.

Ashley: What’s confusing?

Ashley: a) He is incredibly hot now and b) I would get a GREAT post out of it.

Julianne: Goddammit Ashley, you win. But also NAH.

Ashley: Imagine that in John’s memo.

Emma: God that would rule.

Emma: I Fucked Paul Ryan by Ashley Feinberg.

Alex: That’s the whole post.

Emma: Then it’s just a gif of Ashley smiling and nodding.

Ashley: I could post that now Alex...

Ashley: I notice you’re not telling me not to.

So! Would you?

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Last time on Would U?, we asked: Which monster would you have sex with? 34% of you said Frankenstein, 20% said Mike Wazowski, 11% said “other” (which included “Hellboy,” “My ex,” “Marco Rubio,” and “Godzilla, you dope!” because I forgot to include him in the poll), 11% said The Creature from the Black Lagoon, 10% said Freddy Krueger, 7% said Audrey II, 3.5% said Jaws, and 3% said Slimer.


Contact the author at ellie@jezebel.com.

Image via Getty, photoshop by Bobby Finger.

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DISCUSSION

captainjanewayhasnotimeforyourbullshit
Captain Janeway

would it be bad to have sex with him just to have an abortion to spite him? i mean i know that’s a legitimately terrible thing to do, but this is paul ryan.