Why Won't Ivanka and Jared Let Their Secret Service Detail Shit In Any of Their 6.5 Bathrooms?

Illustration for article titled Why Wont Ivanka and Jared Let Their Secret Service Detail Shit In Any of Their 6.5 Bathrooms?
Image: Tasos Katopodis (Getty Images)

As is tradition or law, I guess, there are currently Secret Service agents stationed outside Jared and Ivanka’s mansion because they are important enough to require this protection. These people aren’t guests per se, but closer to living installations, who, as they are humans, need to do stuff like use the restroom and drink water and eat food. According to the Washington Post, Jared and Ivanka’s mansion has 6.5 bathrooms—nice. Guess how many of these bathrooms the Secret Service agents are allowed to use?

If you guessed “the guest bath off the foyer” or even “the one in the rec room downstairs, away from the marble,” you are wrong. The answer is zero, none, zilch, nada! None! The Secret Service agents that protect Jared and Ivanka from bad people are not allowed to use the bathrooms! They have to find their own! What the fuck!

From the Washington Post:

Instructed not to use any of the half-dozen bathrooms inside the couple’s house, the Secret Service detail assigned to President Trump’s daughter and son-in-law spent months searching for a reliable restroom to use on the job, according to neighbors and law enforcement officials. After resorting to a porta-potty, as well as bathrooms at the nearby home of former president Barack Obama and the not-so-nearby residence of Vice President Pence, the agents finally found a toilet to call their own.

But it came at a cost to U.S. taxpayers. Since September 2017, the federal government has been spending $3,000 a month — more than $100,000 to date — to rent a basement studio, with a bathroom, from a neighbor of the Kushner family.

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Interesting. Prior to the establishment of this basement studio restroom, but sometime after the porta-pottys, the Obamas allowed the Kushner security detail to use a bathroom off their garage.

Yet this solution, too, was short-lived after a Secret Service supervisor from the Trump/Kushner detail left an unpleasant mess in the Obama bathroom at some point before the fall of 2017, according to a person briefed on the event. That prompted the leaders of the Obama detail to ban the agents up the street from ever returning.

What kind of “mess” was left in that bathroom? How bad could it have been to officially ban them from the premises entirely? Those questions are not relevant to now, though I urge you to spend some time thinking about it. My main question is, what in the fuck are Ivanka and Jared hiding in each and every one of their bathrooms? Is it drugs, ten mini ponies, one hundred pigeons, a pile of gold bars, an escape hatch? In an attempt at being “kind” in 2021, I am usually willing to give some people the benefit of the doubt. Ivanka and Jared are bad people who are complicit in doing many bad things, but they can’t be SO bad that they won’t let someone who is sworn to protect them take a shit in their guest bathroom if they really have to go, right?

I’m wrong. I’m always wrong. Burn in hell, assholes! Or show me what you’re hiding.

Senior Writer, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

73vk13
Sandwich Librarian

There’s a situation comedy in there somewhere:

“Next Door Neighbors!”

A hilarious comedy about the favorite child of a disgrace ex-President and her Orthodox Jewish husband who unwittingly move in next door to her dad’s cool, sophisticated and far more popular predecessor. Also starring Tituss Burgess, as TJ Ross, a Secret Service agent with an addiction to Indian food and a loose bowel problem.