Coincidentally, this is also my very mysterious response when people ask why I am going all the way over to the emptier downstairs bathroom.
Here’s all the shit we couldn’t cover today:
- White House communications director Michael Dubke, a longtime Republican consultant, has resigned from his position after just three months—though I imagine it felt much longer—of trying to put out fires while lodged inside the belly of an erupting volcano. “The reasons for my departure are personal, but it has been my great honor to serve President Trump and this administration,” Dubke said in a letter to associates. [New York Times]
- After declining an earlier request, Michael Flynn will provide some documents requested by the Senate Intelligence Committee. [CBS/AP]
- As whispers of a staff shakeup grow louder, White House officials are reportedly fretting about the possible return of notorious reporter-grabber Corey Lewandowski. [The Daily Beast]
- Amidst this eternal shitstorm, the Trump administration has found time to draft a rule that would make it more difficult for women with religious employers to access birth control. [Washington Post]
- Trump’s personal attorney Michael Cohen has rejected a congressional request to cooperate with the Russia investigation. Cohen, who—apropos of nothing—once told a reporter “I’m warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I’m going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting,” creatively characterized the request as “not capable of being answered.” [ABC News]
- As a 13-year-old, Trump senior policy advisor Stephen Miller reportedly once smushed his hand into a pizza so no one could eat his slice. Another fun recollection: “During a girls’ track event, Miller decided to jump into the race toward the end, Rosie Ruiz-style, and then boasted, back at school, about how he had beaten the girls and ‘wasn’t even warmed up or anything.’” [Vanity Fair]
- Did you know that Lara Trump is a controversial advocate for beagles? I did not. [Politico]
- The Trump reelection campaign is trying to sell a $69-a-month Birchbox-style subscription filled with “exclusive and vintage Donald J. Trump merchandise.” [Racked]
- Report: the Democratic party remains very stupid. [The Hill]
- Almost half of the president’s Twitter followers are #Fake! [Newsweek]
Here are some tweets the president was allowed to publish:
This has been Barf Bag.