Which of the Jezebel Staff Is Most Qualified to Be President?

In a lengthy interview published this morning, the New York Times editorial board grilled Sentator Bernie Sanders on the many important questions facing his presidential candidacy, such as: Is he a gym rat? Does he have an Amazon Prime membership? Most importantly, who specifically has broken Bernie Sanders’ mostly healthy heart? I know—like many Americans, these questions and mysteries have kept me up at night. Thank god for the editorial board, then!

Reading the interview, I was struck by how thoughtful and constructive the questions were. Truly, I marveled at their scope and integrity, many already having wide-reaching implications on the public perception of Sanders—mostly, that he is a staunch socialist who has grown immensely in his time in public office, who remains committed in his mission to reform this society to fit the needs of working class and marginalized people.

How, I wondered, would the Jezebel staff answer these questions if they were to run for president? What truths could be learned of my co-workers about their leadership style, budget-making skills, and diplomacy? Desperate for the truth, I created a questionnaire of my own, which I then forced upon my colleagues. Would any of them qualify to be president of the United States of America in the eyes of the Times editorial board? Unsure. But the answers I collected might shock you, haunt you, or wholesale change the way you think of this blog and its cohort.

To maintain some level of integrity and fairness, I have assigned aliases to the various respondents, in the hopes that personal biases would not cloud the judgement of our readers. Enjoy!

What questions Would YOU ask the future president?

Mary Sue: “What is your favorite Pokemon?”
Mary Sue: “What Power Ranger are you?”
Tony Ravioli: “Pretty much nothing you’re about to ask me”
Gossip Girl: “I would ask President Warren what Bailey’s grooming process is.”
Jellicle Cat: “Do you think baby Yoda is Yaddle and Yoda’s biological child, or another member of the Yoda species?”
Pizza Rat: “When are you going to send Twitter Jack and Mark Zuckerberg to Guantanamo?”

What are your priorities?

Mary Sue: “I would like to pet a dog today, and beyond that, maybe buy myself a new pair of pants.”
Baby Yoda: “Making sure I don’t die?”
Timothée Chalamet’s Goatee: “Not dying of thirst, saving the whales, promoting antiracism, staying sane and focused through meditation and stimulants”
Jennifer Aniston: “Peace, prosperity, banning mint chocolate.”
Kris Jenner: “Healthcare, and destroying Spotify.”
Tony Ravioli: “Getting the Josie and the Pussycats (2001) OST on Spotify, immediately dismantling both the Electoral College and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and reshooting Call Me By Your Name where Oliver eats the peach.”
Gossip Girl: “Idk climate change seems kinda big.”
Jellicle Cat: “Solving climate change, dismantling capitalism, finishing Love Island UK.”
Pizza Rat: “Not defenestrating before November.”

Do you believe that flavored e-cigarettes should be banned?

Mary Sue: “No, because then I would die.”
Baby Yoda: “Over my dead body, hoe!”
Timothée Chalamet’s Goatee: “Yeah, I don’t smoke so ban it all.”
Jennifer Aniston: “Honestly, probably. E-cigarettes are terrifying. Bring back clove cigarettes though for the cool kids.”
Kris Jenner: “Nope! Hedonism, 2020.”
Tony Ravioli: “Absolutely not and while we’re at it I think we should also unban flavored analog-Juuls aka just cigarettes because variety is the spice of life and smoking is just a signal to the rest of the world that you don’t fear death.”
Gossip Girl: “No. I believe that bad flavors should be banned, like ginger if such a flavor exists.”
Pizza Rat: “Absolutely not, except creme brulée because it’s disgusting.”

Should there be an age limit on the presidency?

Mary Sue: “Yes, and the age limit should be 18, because adults are mostly dumb.”
Baby Yoda: “I think toddlers can and should be president if they feel so compelled.”
Timothée Chalamet’s Goatee: “Yes!!! Too old is crazy!!!”
Jennifer Aniston: “Probably!”
Kris Jenner: “Yes. No olds.”
Tony Ravioli: “Yes, no one should be able to run after the age of 27 which is the age of Julianne Potter, Julia Roberts’ character in My Best Friend’s Wedding, who was the last person I ever witnessed making a wise decision under pressure.”
Gossip Girl: “I don’t participate in ageism and I hope you don’t either.”
Jellicle Cat: “Yes, no one over the age of 21 should be allowed to be president.”
Pizza Rat: “Yes, people should become ineligible for the presidency when they turn 20.”

Do you have a workout routine? Are you a gym rat?

Mary Sue: “Yes, unfortunately. I weight lift three times a week and do various, intensive cardio exercises at least twice a week.”
Baby Yoda: “Gym rat ….”
Timothée Chalamet’s Goatee: “Unfortunately, I believe people would say I am a gym rat, but this is not an identity I personally subscribe to. In terms of a routine, the best routine is no routine. All my workouts are different. Gotta keep the body guessing.”
Jennifer Aniston: “No and no!”
Kris Jenner: “Do mental gymnastics count?”
Tony Ravioli: “No I am The Pizza Rat.”
Gossip Girl: “FUCK YEAH. But I prefer the term gym hamster because I am constantly on bikes and treadmills that go nowhere.”
Pizza Rat: “No, I am a pizza rat.”

Why is Biden doing so well?

Mary Sue: “Because this country loves old creepy men, and liberals brains are rotted by nostalgia.”
Baby Yoda: “His veneers are doing a lot of the heavy lifting.”
Timothée Chalamet’s Goatee: “The association with Obama is all I can assume. I am otherwise flummoxed that a man whose brain is deteriorating before our eyes is the Dems’ best shot.”
Jennifer Aniston: “Fear.”
Kris Jenner: “Name recognition? And, to quote Slipknot, the fact that people = shit.”
Gossip Girl: “White people.”
Jellicle Cat: “Because the media has convinced people they should be scared to elect anyone with actual progressive values.”
Pizza Rat: “The media loves mediocre white men.”

What criteria would you look at if you were considering pardoning someone?

Mary Sue: “Abolish all prisons.”
Baby Yoda: “Did they do it or….”
Timothée Chalamet’s Goatee: “How much time they served, if their trial was truly fair (whether their jury actually reflected their peers, for example), and whether they’re hot.”
Jennifer Aniston: “If the crime wasn’t ridiculously violent and if the trial was perhaps less than fair (ya know, racist, classist, etc), then anyone under this criteria should be pardoned right this fucking second. I don’t know, look: the American prison system is a shitshow. Free them.”
Kris Jenner: “Height.”
Tony Ravioli: “Their top three favorite award show speeches.”
Gossip Girl: “God forgives, I don’t.”
Jellicle Cat: “How many followers they have on Instagram.”
Pizza Rat: “Fuccboi status.”

Can you give us an example of one person who’s broken your heart?

Mary Sue: “When the Pussycat Dolls disbanded, that really broke my heart.”
Baby Yoda: “Truly none of your motherFUCKING business!”
Timothée Chalamet’s Goatee: “Taio Cruz.”
Jennifer Aniston: “Nah, my love life has panned out too well to answer this question sincerely but I still think about my unrequited elementary school crush from time to time and I’m happy to report that he is still hot.”
Kris Jenner: “Obama.”
Tony Ravioli: “Yeah, his name was Brandan and he broke up with me on a bus he’s pretty easy to find on social so if you want to go after him there you go.”
Gossip Girl: “The woman who told me that Regal Theaters no longer sells Goobers.”
Pizza Rat: “Leo DiCaprio when I aged out.”

Do you believe in God? Who are your spiritual advisers?

Mary Sue: “Yes I believe in God, and the nightmare spectre of my childhood pastor telling me demons are going to possess my body if I don’t say the Lord’s Prayer each night is my spiritual advisor.”
Baby Yoda: “My spiritual adviser is my cat.”
Timothée Chalamet’s Goatee: “I believe that we are not the most intelligent life in the universe. My spiritual advisors are aliens, whatever form they may take.”
Jennifer Aniston: “Sometimes but not always.”
Kris Jenner: “Sure.”
Tony Ravioli: “I believe that God is one of us, just a slob like one of us, just a stranger on the bus, tryin’ to make his way home, like a holy rolling stone, back up to heaven all alone—my spiritual advisor is my 15-year-old sister.”
Gossip Girl: “Dina Tokio is my spiritual advisor.”
Jellicle Cat: “No. My most trusted spiritual advisor is Gwyneth Paltrow.”
Pizza Rat: “Yes, Rihanna exists.”

Are you aware of cancel culture?

Mary Sue: “No, I don’t know her.”
Baby Yoda: “I’ve been TRYING to become a casualty of cancel culture for decades!”
Timothée Chalamet’s Goatee: “Yes. It is largely a fallacy, but the notion does cause people on social media to behave in a way that targets people needlessly for past stupidity. I think more than anything, there is what Ani DiFranco calls a “perfection-or-else culture” that clashes with the idea of public apology (whose sincerity is naturally dubious to the public that receives it) as a salve. These are awfully dumb, annoying times.”
Jennifer Aniston: “Yeah and it’s fake!!!”
Kris Jenner: “No, explain it to me?
Tony Ravioli: “Woody Allen and Mel Gibson both have forthcoming projects so no I can’t say I’m aware of what you’re talking about here.”
Gossip Girl: “What?”
Jellicle Cat: “Cancel culture must exist because if it didn’t, I would be famous already.”
Pizza Rat: “Did I inVENT cancel culture?”

Do you personally use any social media?

Mary Sue: “I don’t know what social media is.”
Baby Yoda: *disappears into a void*
Timothée Chalamet’s Goatee: “Not if I can help it. But sometimes I get an idea or see a clip that might be fun to share.”
Jennifer Aniston: “Yes.”
Kris Jenner: “If you count the menstruation app that undoubtedly sells my personal information to third-party advertisers, then yes.”
Tony Ravioli: “Not on purpose.”
Gossip Girl: “No I don’t exist online.”
Pizza Rat: “Whatsapp.”

What’s an app on your phone that you have that might surprise people?

Mary Sue: “I have the Bed Bath & Beyond app because one time my mom needed me to buy something for her when I was visiting home and I liked the coupon selection enough to keep it.”
Baby Yoda: “…..”
Timothée Chalamet’s Goatee: “Maybe Kindle; people largely seem to despise e-books, but I love them because it makes my markings and notes neat and organized.”
Jennifer Aniston: “Ring. Look, my landlord installed one at the front door and sometimes I like to see if it’s Jehovahs or FedEx ringing my doorbell at 10:45 am on a weekday from the comfort of my bed.”
Kris Jenner: “Huji.”
Tony Ravioli: “Retail Me Not—you can take the girl out of Florida but you can’t stop her from becoming a Florida mom regardless”
Gossip Girl: “The Kim Kardashian game.”
Jellicle Cat: “An app I need use to turn on my ‘smart’ lightbulb. I once mistakenly thought technology was supposed to make things like turning lights on and off easier, but now I see the ways of the future.”
Pizza Rat: “SNKRS, for limited Nike drops.”

Are you an Amazon Prime member?

Mary Sue: “Steal all of Jeff Bezos’s money.”
Baby Yoda: “I LOVE FREE SHIPPING AND MAKING JEFF BEZOS’S MUSHROOM DONG SWELL WITH FILTHY LUCRE!”
Timothée Chalamet’s Goatee: “Yes.”
Jennifer Aniston: “Yes :(“
Kris Jenner: “No, I steal all my goods. Robin Hood-style.”
Tony Ravioli: “Is the Pope a Catholic? No, seriously.”
Gossip Girl: “Yes, hail the evil empire.”
Jellicle Cat: “Yes :(“
Pizza Rat: “I plead the fifth.”

What are you likely to fail at or to do poorly as president?

Mary Sue: “I will probably swear a lot on television.”
Baby Yoda: “Most of it?”
Timothée Chalamet’s Goatee: “Everything. I think I would really offend people with my honesty and unwillingness to temper it or the sake of public relations. I also am pretty shaky on the entire governmental process.”
Jennifer Aniston: “Everything because I hate authority.”
Kris Jenner: “Nothing, I am perfect.”
Tony Ravioli: “Oh god I mean probably most of it but there would be so many movie nights at the White House before I get impeached so I’d say definitely give me a go it’s not like you’ve got anything to lose lol.”
Gossip Girl: “Being presidential.”
Jellicle Cat: “Make rich white men happy.”
Pizza Rat: “Living in that disgustingly decorated abode, jesus christ. Dusty chintz is a NO.”

That’ll be all of our questions today. Thank you so much to the Jezebel staff for participating, I’m sure the American people loved hearing your answers for why you should be the next president of the United States of America.

There you have it! Nine Jezebel staff have submitted their proposal for why they qualify to be president, but the most important question remains: Who would you vote for?