When Life Gives You Pussies, Hold a Rally in Beaver County

Still recovering from that distant, hazy moment four days ago when he was revealed to enjoy grabbing pussies, Donald Trump hosted his first post-debate rally at Ambridge Area Senior High School in Beaver County, Pennsylvania. The first place he went after the debate was Beaver County. Donald Trump is in a place called Beaver County.


Naturally, things got sexy fast. Rep. Mike Kelly spun his shirt around like a helicopter:


Beginning his speech with a glowing reference to Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback and accused rapist Ben Roethlisberger, Trump talked to the good people of Beaver County about Clinton’s emails, the corrupt media, and how he considers himself to be a blue-collar worker.

He also mispronounced Abraham Lincoln’s name, and demonstrated how Clinton has been “exposed” again by “WIKILINKS!” (“I would read it to you, but to hell with it, just trust me, folks. It’s bad.”)

Speaking of bad:


Eventually Trump bragged about how huge the crowd was—“We have thousands and thousands of people outside, you know how lucky you are?”—and spent a few moments hollering for a fire marshal.

“I was getting beaten up for 72 hours on all the networks for inappropriate words 12 years ago, locker room talk, whatever you want to call it,” Trump recalled, “but I said to myself wait a minute, and I just saw very inappropriate words, but Bill Clinton sexually assaulted innocent women, and Hillary Clinton attacked those women viciously.”


“If they want to release more tapes saying inappropriate things,” he warned, “we’ll continue to talk about Bill and Hillary Clinton doing inappropriate things, there are so many of ‘em, folks.”

Sometimes, you’ve just gotta grab life by the beaver and threaten blackmail in front of thousands of people.

Ellie is a freelance writer and former senior writer at Jezebel. She is pursuing a master's degree in science journalism at Columbia University in the fall.

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