What Would Be Best for Post-White House Melania?

Illustration for article titled What Would Be Best for Post-White House Melania?
Image: Alex Wong (Getty Images)

Melania has reportedly been privately urging her loser husband to concede the election he lost, a sign that perhaps she can’t wait to get the fuck out of the White House. I don’t blame her; I too would like her and her husband to get the fuck out!

But how will she occupy her time now that she doesn’t have to pretend to care about the needs of everyday Americans? Other former First Ladies, after all, have parlayed their time post-White House into continuing fame and fortune. Michelle Obama, her immediate and widely beloved predecessor in the East Wing, has become the mogul of her own mini-media empire, with a best-selling memoir that included a stadium tour, a popular podcast, and along with her lesser-beloved husband, a multi-year producing deal with Netflix.

What will Melania get up to now that she’ll have so much free time? I’m tempted to say “I really don’t care, do u?,” but because at Jezebel, we love to support women and help them achieve their dreams, we have some helpful suggestions for Melania on what she can and should do post-White House:

  • Write a book called Becoming (I Wrote This, Really).
  • Start a Spanx-but-for-boobs company called “Be Breast,” sold exclusively on QVC.
  • Learn to code.
  • Pull a Gwyneth Paltrow and create a website called “Poop.”
  • Create a line of seasonal home decor built around the message “Fuck Christmas.”
  • Largely disappear from public life, get more fillers, and then every two years pop up to say something wildly racist.

Best of luck, Melania!

Senior reporter, Jezebel

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Let’s not forget that she’s complicit and just as bad as everyone else in his orbit. She stood by him while he fucked porn stars behind her back. She was all in on birtherism, she said that Jewish writer Julia Ioffe provoked the vile antisemitic attacks she received after writing a profile of her, etc.  She’s just as awful as the rest of the family.  Give her no quarter.