What Time Will the President and Former Vice President Fight?

The president of the United States and the former vice president of the United States want to fight each other, that much is certain. What remains unclear is when this fight will take place.

“They asked me if I’d like to debate this gentleman, and I said ‘no.’ I said, ‘If we were in high school, I’d take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him,’” Joe Biden, a virile 75-year-old, told students at the University of Miami earlier this week, as reported by ABC News. “I’ve been in a lot of locker rooms my whole life,” Biden continued. “I’m a pretty damn good athlete. Any guy that talked that way was usually the fattest, ugliest S.O.B. in the room.”

Donald Trump, a similarly virile 71-year-old, responded on Thursday that he, too, wished to fight:

When will this fight take place? Because we know these statements are not fragile masculine posturing and are instead sincere expressions of the desire, shared by the 71-year-old president of the United States and the 75-year-old former vice president of the United States, to physically fight one another, we have reached out for comment.