Well, Shit. Looks Like the Senate Is Free to Keep Trying to Kill Us

Illustration for article titled Well, Shit. Looks Like the Senate Is Free to Keep Trying to Kill Us
Image: Mario Tama (Getty Images)

Despite predictions for an election night Democratic blowout in the Senate, with even Republican ghoul Ted Cruz foretelling a “bloodbath,” it looks like the same shitty people who controlled the Senate yesterday will continue to plague America for years to come.

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There is still a very slim pathway for Democrats to take control. As of Thursday morning, four states have yet to call their Senate races and both seats in Georgia seem destined for a January runoff election, including the contest between Attila the Hun admirer, Chairman Mao portraiture collector, and transparent opportunist Kelly Loeffler and opponent Raphael Warnock. Still, the window of opportunity for Democrats to overtake the Senate has shifted from extremely possible to extremely narrow. That is, of course, bad news for a country that has already suffered through years of a Republican-led Senate more interested in “owning the libs” in the headlines than ensuring Americans stay alive.

Be it strong-arming anti-abortion Supreme Court justices through the pipeline roughly three seconds before election day, chuckling when asked why they went on vacation rather than figuring out how to aid struggling constituents during a deadly pandemic, or seemingly using proximity to covid-19 insider information to protect their own stock portfolios, the Republican-controlled Senate has shown regular Americans time and time again that it simply does not give a fuck whether they live or die. Most importantly, since the Obama administration Senate Republicans have wielded their authority to disregard even the office of the presidency in order to undermine Democrats.

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A Democrat-controlled Senate would have not only been a sign that America was coming to grips with the inadvisability of letting a game show host and his corrupt pals run the country, but would have also meant that change was possible from day one of a new administration. Now, the future of Democratic measures like the Protecting Our Democracy Act, which limits the power of shitty presidents, could be dead in the water, while the future of covid-19 relief and response remains unclear—a fucking tragedy of unimaginable proportions during an epoch in which over 230,000 and counting Americans are dead and millions of others are facing joblessness, poverty, and eviction during one of the biggest crises in American history.

In many races, Democrats came close to overtaking some hotly contested Senate seats, even some long-held by some of the Republican party’s most noxious guests. For example, in South Carolina, Democrat Jaime Harrison raised an astonishing $57 million in just three months to professional coattail rider Lindsey Graham for his longtime Senate seat. But though there was much speculation about a new chapter for South Carolina, ultimately, Graham won by a very comfortable, 14-point margin. Similarly, in Texas, where incumbent John Cornyn whined incessantly about being outspent on the campaign trail by opponent MJ Heger, Cornyn also held on to his day job with a 10-point margin. And, of course, it would seem that America is stuck with Susan Collins, perhaps for another near quarter-century, judging by the way her actions are seemingly perpetually unfettered by consequence.

However, the night wasn’t without victories, in Colorado, Democrat John Hickenlooper defeated incumbent Cory Gardner. And in Arizona, Mark Kelly, former astronaut and husband of former Rep. Gabby Giffords, ousted Martha McSally with 53.4 percent of the vote. Democrats will retain control of the House, and perhaps that, coupled with a Biden presidency, will be enough to prevent the mustache-twirling supervillains—who seem to love nothing more than popping back up for more evil in the third act—from catastrophically adding more damage to the slag heap of death and chaos they’ve already created.

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DISCUSSION

daymanaaaa
Fighter of the Nightman

I really don’t get Kentucky, Mitch literally looks worse than the weird corpse-like Palpatine from the Rise of Skywalker. The dude literally looks like he’s going to collapse.