We Finally Beat the Soviet Union, Thank God

Today, I’m blasting Haim’s Days Are Gone and eating tacos de aguacate as a snack. How are you?

Here’s all the shit we couldn’t cover today:

• President Trump, his combover the exact shade of old highlighter yellow, started to call Russia the Soviet Union at his rally in Cincinnati on Thursday night, but caught himself mid-sentence and flubbed through it as best he could. This makes sense because the man hasn’t absorbed a new piece of information into his rock brain since 1991. Every day, a new adventure!

• A judge is recommending that Daniel Pantaleo, the officer who put Eric Garner in a fatal chokehold in 2014, be fired from the New York Police Department. The final decision, which rests with Police Commissioner James O’Neill, will come in a couple of weeks. [ABC News]
• The FBI is starting to realize that the internet-born conspiracy theory QAnon poses a domestic terrorism threat to the United States. [ThinkProgress]
• Everyone in Texas should stop donating to Beto O’Rourke and give their money to Julián Castro (or me). [New York Times]
• I thought we were past this, as a society. Michael Moore, go to your room! [HuffPost]
• The only black Republican in the House of Representatives will not run for reelection. Fun fact: He’s from a solidly purple district in Texas! [NPR]
• Who will be Puerto Rico’s new governor? It could really be anyone at this point. [NBC News]
• North Korea and Trump are fine, in case you were wondering. (See more below.) [Washington Post]

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Here are some tweets the president was allowed to publish:

This has been Barf Bag.