CNN aired its third incredibly, mind-bendingly gentle “Town Hall” Wednesday night. This time it featured Ted Cruz, Creature from the Black Lagoon and GOP presidential candidate, whose long-suffering wife and young daughters (in matching outfits and hair bows) were on hand to distract viewers from Daddy’s medieval views on science, religion, war, guns, civil rights, and most of all, women—who, as you can see, Ted loves, because he married one and made two more. All three have been working overtime to make him seem less awful, with mixed results.
The older Cruz daughter, Caroline, has her father’s shifty eyes and intellectual confidence, qualities that are 1,000 percent more endearing on an eight-year-old girl than a bloated presidential candidate who would like to set up police patrols in Muslim neighborhoods. Caroline talks about her Build-a-Bear birthday party and warns her 5-year-old sister Catherine not to make the same bear, and Anderson Cooper asks Cruz hardball questions like, “It’s gotta be an amazing educational experience having them out on the campaign trail!”
“She told me today that her favorite state is New York,” Heidi Cruz remarked proudly of Caroline, a very convenient thing for Caroline to have said on the day of a New York town hall, less than a week before the New York primary.
In this next clip, Cruz says solemnly that “raising daughters is a wonderful experience. It is so much fun, little girls—um.”
Cruz then pivots into a story he’s already told about his daughters’ favorite game, the harrowing “Attack the Daddy.” At this point, Cruz has referred to himself as “Daddy” more times than I can count, a violent aural experience that makes me want to rip my own skin off.
In this last video, an audience member rips into the Cruz family with some aggressive questioning: “Who would you most want to invite to dinner” if Cruz wins the White House?
The girls are coy. “You say it, Catherine,” smirks Caroline. “Caroline, say it,” Catherine says. “No, Catherine say it,” says Caroline. “No, Caroline say it,” says Catherine. Their mother finally says it: “The girls would love to have their first guest be Taylor Swift.”
Are you distracted yet??