Visualize Betsy DeVos and Aunt Becky as Bunkmates (in Jail)

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A judge has threatened U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos with jail time if she continues to steal money from students who were ripped off by a for-profit university.

At a hearing on October 7, U.S. Magistrate Judge Sallie Kim said she was “astounded” at the Education Department’s failure to comply with a June court order to stop collections on students who had been promised refunds of their tuition, making her the only remaining American surprised that Betsy DeVos is an awful person who is bad at a job she is unqualified for.

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“I’m not sending anyone to jail yet, but it’s good to know I have that ability,” Kim told attorneys for the department. “At best it is gross negligence. At worst it’s an intentional flouting of my order.”

The ruling concerns 335,000 students who were told they could erase their debt to now-bankrupt for-profit online college Corinthian Colleges Inc. by filling out a simple form. Instead, the DeVos-led Education Department stopped processing their applications, seized their tax refunds and wages, and continued to do so after the judge specifically told them to knock it off:

“In 2017, a group of former Corinthian students sued the Education Department and DeVos over claims that the department had stopped granting the loan discharges. The case was brought as a class action on behalf of about 80,000 students.

A report the department filed last month to show its compliance with the judge’s order to cease debt collections instead explained that the agency has seized tax refunds and wages from at least 1,808 students. Almost two years later, the department still hasn’t identified all the students in the lawsuit who are owed refunds, and it has processed refunds for only 10 of them, according to a court filing.”

The hearing was held in San Francisco, about 35 miles away from the federal prison where Felicity Huffman is hoping to serve her 14-day sentence. This is a longshot, but hear me out: what if Aunt Becky and Aunt Betsy did time together at that same prison?

Whether it’s a dorm room, summer camp, or federal prison, sharing a foundation of a few key commonalities with one’s bunkmate is often all it takes to build the bonds of friendship that lasts a lifetime. These two already love using their wealth to manipulate a broken education system for their own completely unearned advantage, so that’s a fun place to start.

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Just imagine all of the wacky hijinks those two could get up to in their little jumpsuits, staying up late practicing Olivia Jade’s makeup tips while gabbing about their shared enthusiasm for Jesus and college-related crime. It would be like a suburban potluck, but with toilet wine or an all-girl Oz reboot with even more frightening protagonists!

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