Steve Castor, the goon hired to steer Republicans through the impeachment hearings, made a sudden pivot to influencer and trendsetter when he was spotted wandering into Congress this morning with a tote bag that read: “Live, Eat, Shop, Reuse.” Considering how antithetical this mantra was to everything Republicans stand for—specifically recycling, or the ability to live—the bag shocked many in attendance. George Conway, best known as the xenomorph that burst out of that dude’s chest in Alien, and also husband of fellow extraterrestrial Kellyanne Conway, remarked on Twitter: “I hope the security screeners checked it for tofu and kale.”
Unfortunately, the bag was quickly meme’d by various D.C. bureau chiefs and reporters, who dubbed the tote Castor’s “briefcase.” Get it, because it’s a tote bag that he’s also using as a briefcase? D.C. types are hilarious! Worse, the grocery store where the bag originates, The Fresh Market, decided to seize on the moment with an impromptu sale, offering any and all who’d like to shop the chance to select briefcases of their own, but only if they need some of that tofu or kale George Conway was fretting over.
Meanwhile, the impeachment hearings raged on around Castor and his little green tote bag. NBC News reports that some dudes yelled at each other over those released call logs from Rudy Giuliani and Lev Parnas, who were definitely not committing some crimes together. Giuliani also claimed that will be releasing his own “report regarding his recent trip to Ukraine in an attempt to counter the impeachment inquiry into Trump,” per the outlet. Fun! [The Hill]
Did you hear that high-pitched shrieking earlier today—somewhere between broken glass being scraped across a chalkboard, and Wolverine dragging his adamantium claws across your car while JoJo Siwa blasts through its speakers? Turns out it was neither of those things! CNBC reports that Owen Schroyer, a “talk show host” who crawled out of the hell pit of InfoWars, was caught heckling Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold Nadler at the impeachment hearings Monday.
According to the outlet, Shroyer screamed: “Jerry Nadler and the Democrat Party are committing treason against this country! We voted for Donald Trump! And they’re simply removing him because they don’t like him!” Other illuminating tidbits include, “You’re the one committing treason!” and “Trump is innocent!” Sure, dude!
While certainly loud, with a penchant for making headlines for ridiculous claims fueled by his racist proclivities and Monster energy drink addiction, it’s important to remember that Owen Schroyer was previously owned by a “foul mouthed,” heroic teen, who called him a “fucking idiot.” [CNBC]
There are so many things to fixate on in this mind-boggling picture of Donald Trump Jr., who barely managed to squeeze his hulking, massive muscles into this teeny, tiny suit jacket. Like the strange sculpture of his father behind his feet, or the bobblehead of his father places alongside his many, many awards. Clean your desk, Donald!
Notable weenie Pete Buttigieg will not be taking money from billionaires, or having closed door meetings with them.
- Will Trump pardon his many stooge and former aides? Many think so![Politico]
- Inspector General Michael Horowitz’s hotly anticipated report concludes that FBI probe into Trump was not motivated by “politics,” despite mishandling. [NBC News]
- Prayers up to the U.K.’s Labour party and frontrunner Jeremy Corbyn for this bullshit election cycle and far-right fear mongering. [The Guardian]
- Amazon is super duper upset that nobody wanted their war cloud, blaming Trump’s hatred of the Washington Post. [Reuters]
- Michelle Obama finds the impeachment proceedings “surreal.” [Today]