Trump Takes the Only Thing Ted Cruz Has Left: His Precious Soup

Earlier today, Donald Trump met with two dozen manufacturing CEOs to talk about things that have to do with manufacturing, probably. But as soon as the CEO of Campbell’s introduced herself, Trump seized on the opportunity to take away perhaps the only thing Ted Cruz has ever loved—his beloved Campbell’s Chunky™ Soup.

“Thank you, Mr. President. Denise Morrison from Campbell Soup Company,” says Denise, the proprietor of Ted’s cold, tinny nectar.


Trump smiles. “Good...”

Somewhere at CPAC, Ted begins to feel the familiar pangs at the pit of his stomach. He’s not yet sure why.

“... sou–”

His throat tightens. He falls to his knees.


It’s done. Ted Cruz has been cucked again, and his precious soup is forever tainted. Ted begins to shriek.


Good. Soup.

[h/t @SteveKopack]


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Ashley Feinberg

Ashley Feinberg used to work here.

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