Did you guys have an extra-special Christmas? Crazy how we couldn’t celebrate it for the last eight years, on account of Obama keeping Santa chained up in an enhanced interrogation dungeon in Colorado.
Here’s all the shit we couldn’t cover today:
- Joy Villa, a pop singer who gained notoriety after wearing a “Make America Great Again” dress to the Grammy’s, has filed a sexual assault complaint against former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski after he allegedly slapped her butt twice, hard, at a party celebrating Trump’s first year in office. What, Corey? It can’t be! He’d never do anything like this! Witch hunt! [Politico]
- The Justice Department has been serially mishandling sexual harassment complaints, according to internal reports obtained by the Washington Post. Complaints against whom, you ask? Why, just about everyone, apparently! “We’re talking about presidential appointees, political appointees, FBI special agents in charge, U.S. attorneys, wardens, a chief deputy U.S. marshal, a U.S. marshal assistant director, a deputy assistant attorney general,” Justice Department Inspector General Michael E. Horowitz told the Post. [Washington Post]
- Our esteemed president has spent nearly one-third of his first year as leader of the free world chillaxing at Trump-owned properties. [WSJ]
- Roy Moore has a poem he would like you to hear, everyone. No, he has not conceded to Doug Jones yet, why do you ask? [Al.com]
- Uh, why the fuck is Senator Bob “I’m on trial for corruption” Menendez running for reelection? Can someone please explain? [Politico]
- Much like the cockroaches I assume are hanging out underneath my floorboards, the day-to-day activities of Trump’s Cabinet members are disturbingly mysterious. [Politico]
- Sen. Orrin Hatch inadvertently praised a Salt Lake Tribune editorial that called for him to step down. [New York Times]
- Next up in the great Trumpian deregulation experiment on behalf of all freedom-loving Americans and definitely not a handful of sociopathic plutocrats: the nursing home industry! Suck it, ye elderly folks! [New York Times]
Here are some tweets the president was allowed to publish:
This has been Barf Bag.