It’s unclear who will replace departing White House Chief of Staff John Kelly, but what is clear is that President Trump had a very special favorite in mind for the role—someone molded, some could say, in his very image. Sadly, that favorite said fuck no, and now Trump’s cholesterol-laden little heart is broken.
According to The New York Times, the president had his aforementioned heart set on Nick Ayers, a 36-year-old Georgia native currently serving as chief of staff for Vice President Pence. But just as the Ayers rumor mill started to churn, he tweeted he would not, in fact, be sticking around the White House come 2019:
Trump tried to play it cool online, but per the Times, he was shattered:
But two people close to Mr. Trump said that a news release announcing Mr. Ayers’s appointment had been drafted, and that the president had wanted to announce it as soon as possible...
...Other advisers to Mr. Trump were stunned by the turn of events. One former senior administration official called it a humiliation for Mr. Trump and his adult children, an emotion that the president tries to avoid at all costs.
Ayers was high on the list because Trump liked him personally, an increasing rarity for the president in a house full of people who despise him. And why does Trump like Ayers so much?
Well (emphasis mine):
But this time, Mr. Ayers was the only person Mr. Trump had focused on since he made up his mind to part ways with Mr. Kelly. With a head of blond hair, Mr. Ayers somewhat resembles Mr. Trump in his younger days, a fact that the president often looks for as a positive signal. The president had an unusual affinity for Mr. Ayers, telling aides who expressed concern about Mr. Ayers that he liked him.
Indeed, it turns out Trump likes people who remind him of himself at his (relatively speaking) more fuckable, since the potential for bad combovers is apparently a personality trait. This is, of course, an incredibly reasonable and adult reason to like someone, much like how I prefer to befriend people who let me use their Hulu passwords.
Unfortunately for Trump, being the president’s doppelgänger wasn’t enough incentive for Ayers, and now Trump will have to find a new lookalike to replace Kelly. Might I suggest this stylish ear of corn? Or a bag of rancid tangerines? A troll doll that got caught in a storm drain? The options abound.