Photo: AP
Photo: AP

Donald Trump, who has little regard for his own weaknesses, suggested on Saturday that he and Hillary Clinton should take drug tests ahead of the next presidential debate.


Does Trump have something he’d like to come clean about? Of course not, he merely thinks that Clinton has been “getting pumped up” on performance-enhancing drugs, and that there’s only one way to know for sure.

“I think we should take a drug test prior to the debate,” Trump said at a rally in New Hampshire. “Because I don’t know what’s going on with her, but at the beginning of her last debate, she was all pumped up at the beginning, and at the end it was like, huff, take me down. She could barely reach her car.”


Hm, I am no doctor, but I believe it is possible for most to rhetorically trounce Trump without additional chemical assistance. Meanwhile, there is no drug on this planet that could give Trump an edge over Clinton, unless it is being passed out like candy at voting booths on election day.

Then there is the matter of unrelenting joking (and more serious theorizing) that Trump himself has or did have coke habit. In last Sunday’s debate, Trump sniffed loudly into his indisputably working microphone dozens of times, reigniting national concern that the GOP presidential nominee’s nasal cavities are not well. Howard Dean, Trump’s seemingly batshit doctor, and Trump’s own erratic, megalomaniacal behavior have done him no favors in dispelling the rumors.

In a comment to CNN, Clinton called Trump’s remarks, “shameful attempts to undermine an election weeks before it happens.”


I think Clinton should definitely accept Trump’s fine offer. She has called Trump on many of his bluffs before—that he pays taxes, that he didn’t start the birther movement, that he wasn’t in favor of the Iraq War, that he is a viable presidential candidate—and it seems to be working out in her favor.

contributing writer, nights

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Trump will next criticize Clinton’s ill-fitting suits, her inexplicably orange skin, her tendency to loom over people, and her terrible comb-over. “I hear she just reaches out and grabs people by the pussy, is what I hear” reports Trump.