Tragically Awkward Jeb Bush to Young Voter: 'I Want To Be Your First'

Illustration for article titled Tragically Awkward Jeb Bush to Young Voter: I Want To Be Your First

This is a smart strategy! Jeb Bush is recovering from a cringingly awful day in Iowa by steamrolling into New Hampshire, and making a weird sex joke to a young future voter to distract everybody:


Oh. Oh no.

Despite finishing a very distant sixth, paying an average of $2,884 a vote to unsuccessfully persuade Iowans to love him, ending up with a single delegate after all that—despite the fact that he could comfortably fit his political support in the state on the back of a moped—Bush says he’s not dropping out of the race. Nope, he’s in this thing, making godawful jokes and casually buying New Hampshire muffins:


Is Jeb Bush a tragic figure? Does he just love traveling a long way and spending $14 million so far on muffins? Most importantly: how is he this bad at making jokes?

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Bush campaigning in Manchester, New Hampshire, Monday, February 1, 2016. Photo via AP Images

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AllieCat demands hats on cats-is probable weirdo

“What kind of things do you like me to do with you body?” Jeb said as I looked over the contract. “Do you like it when I keep it from healthcare?” Oh my. My inner goddess screams YES but I blush.

“I don’t know,” I say trying to keep my eyes off the throbbing pen he promises will undo every one of President Obama’s executive orders until there’s nothing left to shield the quivering defenseless country from his gaze. “I’ve never been violated before.”

“What?” He says shocked.

“You’ll first...” I say shyly.

“Well then,” he says shaking his head. “We can’t start with denying you abortions, I’m going to take you into the bedroom first and I’m going to pay you a little less than everyone else.” Oh my, I feel the shame spread through my body with excitement.

“I’m worth a little less than.... the men?” I say panting.

“Keep biting that lip and you’ll be worth half” He grins, and then he reaches into his pants and leads me straight to his pocket book.