On December 23, Bristol Palin gave birth to her second child, a girl christened Sailor Grace. That is, anyway, what the sheeple mass media would have you believe. For the truth, let’s visit an increasingly hairy series of blogs, all of which claim that Sailor was born in November and presented to the world a month later as a fraudulent giant newborn to cover up her mother’s dark secret. Oh boy.
You might suspect there’s a conspiracy theory afoot if you took a look at the comments on the Instagram post Palin put up Christmas Eve announcing the birth:
“Why does your bandage say 11/5/25?” comments Internet detective dessertfirstdesigns. And from sex educator jonwz: “This is hilarious. Bristol doesn’t practice what she preaches, having two illegitimate kids. But what the fuck It happens all the time. Why would she (and her mother) try to cover it up?”
The original source of the rumors appears to be the blog Right Wing Crooks; they’re pretty sure that Palin’s bb was born in November. Palin got engaged to veteran Dakota Meyer in March, but the two called off the wedding in May, after tabloid reports that Meyer was married before. Palin announced the pregnancy in June, which she wanted us giddy assholes to know was planned and not an accident.
In short: Right Wing Crooks says the infant was not made via the baby batter of Meyer. In fact, they claim, the entire birth announcement was orchestrated and forward-dated to cover up the fact that the babe was born of a one night stand in Vegas. The nut (sorry) grafs:
Everyone who has analyzed these photos understands what happened: Bristol and Marina went out on the town in Vegas; picked up one or more Vegas lounge lizards; wound up in a hotel room engaging in sex; and, Bristol came out of the night pregnant by a guy she picked up in a bar and whom she does not know.
Normal human gestation is 36 to 40 weeks. Thus, if Bristol were knocked up on 14 February, her baby would be due between 9 and 21 November. Her engagement to Dakota was not announced until March, at which time she already was one month pregnant. Sarah sought the “engagement” to make the baby legitimate, as well as hooking her faded star to a real hero who, she hoped, would help invigorate her many failed ventures.
According to a bunch of pregnancy due date calculators we hastily consulted, yes, a baby conceived on Valentine’s Day would be born around November 7. A baby conceived in March—when Palin and Meyer got engaged—would be due around late November. A baby born on Christmas Eve would have to have been conceived in April, when Palin and Meyer were still together.
Right Wing Crooks’ supposed smoking gun is this: they zoomed way in on Palin’s IV tape in the above birth photo, then claimed they lightened it via Photoshop and found that it reads 11/4/15.
With that little tidbit, the theory quickly spread to a bunch of other blogs, including Addicting Info, who presented it as perhaps more of a bombshell than it, uh, is:
How far-fetched is it really? You would simply have to consider what Sarah and the Palins would do to keep Bristol safe from the career (doing whatever it is she does) ending publicity of a one-night stand Vegas baby. Already her position as an abstinence counselor makes absolutely no sense, so that’s kind of a wash, but with the Duggaresque hypocrisy of Bristol being a faith blogger on Patheos and possibly a future “where are they now” Dancing With The Stars special guest, the concept of changing a couple of months for a clean(er) slate may have been just that appealing.
And something either called Idly or Crave Online, who had their own sophisticated theories:
TL;DR Bristol Palin is incapable of passing up a raw dog, and her parents will do anything to make sure she’s seen as a innocent, persecuted Christian who Satan repeatedly makes dicks appear in her vagina.
Bristol responded to the conspiracy theories on Tuesday, telling Entertainment Tonight that baby was born right near the Christ child, you betcha:
Admitted the night of 12/22/15 when they started my IV and then day of 12/23/15 had my baby girl!” Bristol told ET, along with photos of her in the hospital with mom Sarah and one of her sisters.
She included photos of a closeup of her IV, with the date 12/22/15 clearly visible, and a photo of herself, Sarah and one of her sisters, dated December 23, 11:11 a.m.
All of this, then, centers around that IV tape on Bristol’s hand. And so, Jezebel’s crack team of Pregnancy Investigators tried lightening the same photo, and actually found something...really fucking weird. We did not, as Right Wing Crooks did, find a clear date of November. We found what looks like a scribble where the month should be.
The rest of the date is pretty clearly illegible, except, we guess, via Right Wing Crooks’ more sophisticated methods.
“To my very untrained eye,” says comparative Photoshop expert and fellow Jezebel staffer Bobby Finger, “It looks like anyone trying to pull actual numbers from that is reeeeally stretching.” Jezebel deputy editor Jia Tolentino and Gawker Media staff artist Sam Woolley, an actual expert, also tried lightening the image to make it readable, with no success.
In other words, this theory is probably bullshit, and Bristol Palin was hounded about the date of her baby’s birth for no good reason except that she’s Bristol Palin and her hypocrisy as a former abstinence spokeslady can appear, well, unfortunate.
And if by some wild chance the theories are true and Palin really did get pregnant via one-night-stand in Vegas, that would make things a lot simpler for her now: Meyer is reportedly seeking joint custody. Sarah Palin, the reason any of these people are even remotely newsworthy, responded to that one pretty sharply, claiming he’d been MIA for a while:
“For many months we have been trying to reach out to Dakota Myers [sic] and he has wanted nothing to do with either Bristol’s pregnancy or the baby.”