The White House Would Like to Bore Your Isolated Children to Oblivion

First lady and mother Melania Trump is taking a break from fine photography and public health PSAs to get back to her true passion: Her well-meaning but utterly convoluted Be Best initiative that tackles cyberbullying and opioid abuse under one roof. And she finally found a way to incorporate Be Best into the covid-19 pandemic: Advocating for boring Be Best-sponsored family activities that nobody wants to do.

Trump shared a White House-themed word seek on Instagram and Twitter that is available to download and print out for some family fun during this time of isolation. The Instagram caption reads, “While spending family time together, the White House Word Search is a great way to bond with your loved ones while testing your #WhiteHouse knowledge.” Just one question: Who the hell wants to do this shit?

Aside from the fact that a word seek is an inherently solitary activity that doesn’t exactly lend well to multiple, er, seekers, there are several activities that both parents and children alike would much rather be doing than looking for “resolute desk” and “family movie theater” on a PDF document. Nobody even has printers anymore!

But not to be outdone by step-mummy, Ivanka Trump offered another fun suggestion on how parents can entertain their children while social distancing: Shadow Puppets. Specifically, shadow puppets inspired by some 19th-century engravings.

Perhaps Ivanka forgot that covid-19 hasn’t left America without electricity. Children still have access to many of the same creature comforts that entertained them before the pandemic. Like Wi-Fi. Maybe a shadow puppet would entertain a very small child (or a cat!) for a few minutes, but even some of the youngest will likely reach for the iPad after a few rounds of finger rabbits and goats.

(It’s worth noting that some Q-anon freaks are interpreting this post as a wink to their conspiracy theorist community.)

I’m not a parent, but as someone who was a kid more recently than both Melania and Ivanka, and as someone who keeps up with youth culture for a living, I think I have a pretty good idea of what kids actually want to do while they’re trapped inside with their parents:

• Do dance challenges on TikTok
• Be racist on TikTok
• Play Animal Crossing
• Playing other video/computer games like Minecraft or some pew pew shooter game.
• Watch Billie Eilish music videos on YouTube and feel sorry for themselves
• Attempt the “Savage” TikTok dance challenge but neglect to upload it because they can’t get it to look right so they write it off as old meme instead of facing the shame of lacking rhythm online
• Watch TV!!!
• Text and Facetime their friends about dumb shit
• Make kpop fancams
• Do another racist TikTok meme

This is what the kids want during a pandemic, not word seeks or shadow puppets from the 1800s! Get with the program!