Ben Carson, a brilliant neurosurgeon and current GOP presidential frontrunner, believes many insane things to be true. We’ve alphabetized a few of the most colorful.
Ben Carson thinks that “most” people, upon completing AP HISTORY, will want to join ISIS.
Ben Carson suspended his public campaign for a couple of weeks to promote his book, A More Perfect Union. Conveniently, there isn’t much difference between a BOOK TOUR stop and a campaign stop anymore!
Political CORRECTNESS, that is. Ben Carson believes that it is admirable that at least ISIS is willing to die for what they believe, as opposed to the pussies living in this country “busily giving away every value and every belief for the sake of political correctness.”
Running for President, says Ben Carson, is sort of like being a soldier storming the beach at Normandy on D-DAY. Tens of thousands of Allied soldiers were killed on real D-DAY in the process of fighting the Nazis. Nobody so far has been killed while campaigning for Ben Carson, and most of the Nazis are in Argentina or dead.
EVOLUTION is not real.
Ben Carson is fer it. Very fer it. In fact, 69% of the money he raises on this campaign is going to... raising more money.
Having one’s GUNS taken away is just as bad if not worse than being shot with a GUN, says Ben Carson.
Dr. Ben Carson thinks that prison rape can “turn” men into HOMOSEXUALS. Ergo, being gay is a choice.
Ben Carson thinks adherence to ISLAM is reason enough to disqualify somebody from running for President.
Ben Carson thinks the JEWS would have maybe done a better job of surviving the Holocaust if they had guns.
Ben Carson considers all abortion “KILLING A BABY,” so if you’re pregnant, you better stay pregnant, even if it could kill you :) .
Serious presidential candidate and definitely-not-future-cult-leader Ben Carson called President Obama a “psychopath” because Ben Carson believes he is a LIAR.
Dr. Ben Carson believes that same-sex MARRIAGE is part of the “new world order.”
Ben Carson believes that many gays are members of NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association.
GOP frontrunner Ben Carson believes that is the worst thing to happen to America since slavery, which means Ben Carson believes that the Affordable Care Act is worse than 9/11.
Ben Carson believes that the PYRAMIDS were built by Joseph to store grain and not by the Egyptians as a place to bury dead pharaohs. Because not only is the Bible real, it’s a heavenly writing prompt for its devotees to just make shit up about everything.
Mannatech is a company that makes QUACK medicine based on Christianity and something called “glyconutrients.” Ben Carson loves (or, until extremely recently, loved) it!
Ben Carson has found the REAL RACISTS. It’s the Democrats, the party of affirmative action, sit-down meetings with Black Lives Matter participants, and Barack Obama.
Ben Carson would SURVIVE a mass SHOOTING by tackling the guy with the gun. So simple. Cannot believe none of the thousands of victims of mass shootings ever thought of that cool idea.
The basis for our TAX system should be Biblical TITHING, says presidential frontrunner Ben Carson.
Here’s a thing Ben Carson said that some terrorist would probably pay a million dollars for a container of ebola URINE.
Ben Carson believes that the VA scandal, which resulted in thousands of veterans waiting obscene amounts of time for medical care, was a “gift from God” sent to teach us a lesson about bureaucracy. Imagine how pissed you’d be to find out your dad’s death as he waited for care at a VA hospital was just part of a lesson God wanted to teach America about small government. I’d be pretty pissed!
Ben Carson is a devotee of W. CLEON SKOUSEN, a dead conspiracy theorist who believes that secret commies are controlling America.
In 2014, Ben Carson and his wife held onto their son’s Australian passport incase they needed to become EXPATS and leave the country if Republicans did not win back the Senate. Phew! Glad they didn’t have to leave the country like Rush Limbaugh did after Obamacare passed.
Ben Carson has said that a program in Yuma County, AZ eliminated 97% of illegal immigration. That’s not true!
Ben Carson has served a total of zero years in public office. This is the one thing in which a sane person and Ben Carson should agree.
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