The ABCs of Ben Carson's Wacky Beliefs

Illustration for article titled The ABCs of Ben Carson's Wacky Beliefs

Ben Carson, a brilliant neurosurgeon and current GOP presidential frontrunner, believes many insane things to be true. We’ve alphabetized a few of the most colorful.


A is for AP History

Ben Carson thinks that “most” people, upon completing AP HISTORY, will want to join ISIS.

B is for Book Tour

Ben Carson suspended his public campaign for a couple of weeks to promote his book, A More Perfect Union. Conveniently, there isn’t much difference between a BOOK TOUR stop and a campaign stop anymore!

C is for Correctness

Political CORRECTNESS, that is. Ben Carson believes that it is admirable that at least ISIS is willing to die for what they believe, as opposed to the pussies living in this country “busily giv­ing away every value and every be­lief for the sake of polit­ic­al cor­rect­ness.”


D is for D-Day

Running for President, says Ben Carson, is sort of like being a soldier storming the beach at Normandy on D-DAY. Tens of thousands of Allied soldiers were killed on real D-DAY in the process of fighting the Nazis. Nobody so far has been killed while campaigning for Ben Carson, and most of the Nazis are in Argentina or dead.


E is for Evolution

EVOLUTION is not real.

F is for Fundraising

Ben Carson is fer it. Very fer it. In fact, 69% of the money he raises on this campaign is going to... raising more money.


G is for Guns

Having one’s GUNS taken away is just as bad if not worse than being shot with a GUN, says Ben Carson.


H is for Homosexuals

Dr. Ben Carson thinks that prison rape can “turn” men into HOMOSEXUALS. Ergo, being gay is a choice.


I is for Islam

Ben Carson thinks adherence to ISLAM is reason enough to disqualify somebody from running for President.


J is for Jews

Ben Carson thinks the JEWS would have maybe done a better job of surviving the Holocaust if they had guns.


K is for Killing a Baby

Ben Carson considers all abortion “KILLING A BABY,” so if you’re pregnant, you better stay pregnant, even if it could kill you :) .


L is for Liar

Serious presidential candidate and definitely-not-future-cult-leader Ben Carson called President Obama a “psychopath” because Ben Carson believes he is a LIAR.


M is for Marriage

Dr. Ben Carson believes that same-sex MARRIAGE is part of the “new world order.”

N is for NAMBLA

Ben Carson believes that many gays are members of NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association.


O is for Obamacare

GOP frontrunner Ben Carson believes that is the worst thing to happen to America since slavery, which means Ben Carson believes that the Affordable Care Act is worse than 9/11.


P is for Pyramids

Ben Carson believes that the PYRAMIDS were built by Joseph to store grain and not by the Egyptians as a place to bury dead pharaohs. Because not only is the Bible real, it’s a heavenly writing prompt for its devotees to just make shit up about everything.


Q is for Quack

Mannatech is a company that makes QUACK medicine based on Christianity and something called “glyconutrients.” Ben Carson loves (or, until extremely recently, loved) it!


R is for the Real Racists

Ben Carson has found the REAL RACISTS. It’s the Democrats, the party of affirmative action, sit-down meetings with Black Lives Matter participants, and Barack Obama.


S is for Shooting (and Surviving)

Ben Carson would SURVIVE a mass SHOOTING by tackling the guy with the gun. So simple. Cannot believe none of the thousands of victims of mass shootings ever thought of that cool idea.


T is for Taxes (and Tithe)

The basis for our TAX system should be Biblical TITHING, says presidential frontrunner Ben Carson.


U is for Urine

Here’s a thing Ben Carson said that some terrorist would probably pay a million dollars for a container of ebola URINE.


V is for Veterans Affairs

Ben Carson believes that the VA scandal, which resulted in thousands of veterans waiting obscene amounts of time for medical care, was a “gift from God” sent to teach us a lesson about bureaucracy. Imagine how pissed you’d be to find out your dad’s death as he waited for care at a VA hospital was just part of a lesson God wanted to teach America about small government. I’d be pretty pissed!


W is for W. Cleon Skousen

Ben Carson is a devotee of W. CLEON SKOUSEN, a dead conspiracy theorist who believes that secret commies are controlling America.


X is for eXpats

In 2014, Ben Carson and his wife held onto their son’s Australian passport incase they needed to become EXPATS and leave the country if Republicans did not win back the Senate. Phew! Glad they didn’t have to leave the country like Rush Limbaugh did after Obamacare passed.


Y is for Yuma County

Ben Carson has said that a program in Yuma County, AZ eliminated 97% of illegal immigration. That’s not true!


Z is for Zero

Ben Carson has served a total of zero years in public office. This is the one thing in which a sane person and Ben Carson should agree.


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Yoga Nerd, Maybe Dead

Doctors that want to restrict access to abortion and don’t believe in evolution baffle me. This is a man who was an incredibly well-respected surgeon. I breaks my heart to know how stupid he truly is. It’s so mind-boggling that I can’t help but wonder if this is pandering? Like, he can’t actually believe what he is saying. He just can’t.