After 45 years on this planet, Ted Cruz still hasn’t quite gotten the hang of his arms.

This is fair. Arms just sort of dangle and you constantly have to figure what to do with them—you even have to think of things on the fly! I get it. We all wrestle with this task, but as Matt Lubchansky notes, Ted Cruz seems to have more of a problem than most. Poor guy.

“So, I just, let them just hang there?”

“Yes but not like that Ted! Stop looking weird. Bring ‘em in a little bit. They ain’t wings!”

“Dammit, Ted!”

Giving this man a shoulder massage must be like trying to make a dent in a slab of marble using only a feather pillow.

He really thinks he nailed this one.

I will never in my life pass up an opportunity to post this magnificent, baffling image.

Frustrated, I imagine, with the “arm situation,” Ted attempted some new strategies for what to do with his wily forearms. Not all change is good, Ted.

“What about your pockets?” an aide suggested. “Just stand there all casual-like with your hands in your Wranglers.”

How you gonna not rep Canada when you rock a Canadian tuxedo better than Drizzy?

Excitement is a confusing emotion, isn’t it?

I mean, seriously. How else is a human being with two perfectly good arms supposed to show that they’re happy about something?

Looks like Ted Cruz is a big Pharrell Williams fan.


As we all know, arms are attached to these silly things called hands. As Ted Cruz knows, hands are hard.

For real though, what







Thumbs UP, Ted. THUMBS UP. If the thumb is not up, this gesture has no meaning.

Every woman on earth dreams of having her shoulder cupped exactly like this by the man she loves.

When all else fails, Ted Cruz and company defer to an old Republican strategy: When the nation is worried about leaving the government in the hands of a candidate, PUT A GODDAMN GUN IN THOSE HANDS.

If this isn’t the image of a man born to live and thrive in the wild, I don’t know what is.


Ted Cruz: terrible candidate for president, and also doesn’t know what to do with his fucking arms.

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Images via AP and Getty.

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