Ted Cruz Doesn't Know What to Do With His Arms

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After 45 years on this planet, Ted Cruz still hasn’t quite gotten the hang of his arms.

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This is fair. Arms just sort of dangle and you constantly have to figure what to do with them—you even have to think of things on the fly! I get it. We all wrestle with this task, but as Matt Lubchansky notes, Ted Cruz seems to have more of a problem than most. Poor guy.

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“So, I just, let them just hang there?”

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“Yes but not like that Ted! Stop looking weird. Bring ‘em in a little bit. They ain’t wings!”

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“Dammit, Ted!”

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Giving this man a shoulder massage must be like trying to make a dent in a slab of marble using only a feather pillow.

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He really thinks he nailed this one.

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I will never in my life pass up an opportunity to post this magnificent, baffling image.

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Frustrated, I imagine, with the “arm situation,” Ted attempted some new strategies for what to do with his wily forearms. Not all change is good, Ted.

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“What about your pockets?” an aide suggested. “Just stand there all casual-like with your hands in your Wranglers.”

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How you gonna not rep Canada when you rock a Canadian tuxedo better than Drizzy?

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Excitement is a confusing emotion, isn’t it?

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I mean, seriously. How else is a human being with two perfectly good arms supposed to show that they’re happy about something?

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Looks like Ted Cruz is a big Pharrell Williams fan.

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Sorry.

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As we all know, arms are attached to these silly things called hands. As Ted Cruz knows, hands are hard.

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For real though, what

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are

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we

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doing

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with

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these

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babies?

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Thumbs UP, Ted. THUMBS UP. If the thumb is not up, this gesture has no meaning.

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Every woman on earth dreams of having her shoulder cupped exactly like this by the man she loves.

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When all else fails, Ted Cruz and company defer to an old Republican strategy: When the nation is worried about leaving the government in the hands of a candidate, PUT A GODDAMN GUN IN THOSE HANDS.

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If this isn’t the image of a man born to live and thrive in the wild, I don’t know what is.

Ted Cruz: terrible candidate for president, and also doesn’t know what to do with his fucking arms.

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Contact the author at kara.brown@jezebel.com.

Images via AP and Getty.

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DISCUSSION

joannarothkopf
Joanna Rothkopf

FTR my theory is that his armpits chafe.