Photo via Getty Images
Photo via Getty Images

Many have observed that Attorney General Jeff Sessions is reminiscent of a Keebler elf and, truly, it is uncanny. That said, every time I look at him, I’m also reminded of a variety of other haunted objects, including:

  • A cursed porcelain figurine from a New Orleans antique store
  • A battered, dusty Confederate figurine stolen from the Atlanta Cyclorama recreation of the Battle of Atlanta
  • A church peppermint that fell in the dirt
  • A mildewed vintage dresser scarf
  • An ensorcelled pile of mashed potatoes from a meat and three restaurant
  • A mutated Vidalia onion
  • A Sunday school teacher randomly dressed as Pontius Pilate on Easter Sunday despite zero support from the pastor for doing so
  • A recreation of Twelve Oaks swallowed whole by kudzu, the roof caved in
  • A taxidermied skunk
  • A mayo-heavy and yet inexplicably marshmallow-topped casserole brought to a funeral that even family members blinded by grief are very careful to steer away from
  • A golem made from Chick tracts about marijuana and swamp water
  • A third cousin (?) who appeared at the family reunion exactly once

Thanks for your time.


Senior Editor, Attic Haunter, Jezebel

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