Like a delightfully irritated fairy queen beaming a ray of magical light into the writhing depths of hell, Samantha Bee is preparing to descend upon the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.


On Monday night’s episode of Full Frontal, Bee took a somber look at the violence we’ve seen over the past few weeks, comparing 15-year-old Cameron Sterling’s gentle call for peace to the “dollar store Rambos” who want none of it, thrilling in Cleveland’s open carry laws by toting giant guns around the convention. “I’m sorry sir, but [the cops] just can’t with your Second Amendment foolishness, not today! Listen to the cops who will save you when the shit goes down and you’re running away in your pee-stained mom jeans, okay?”

Bee interviewed an extremely upbeat Emily Lauer, spokeswoman for the politically unaffiliated Cleveland 2016 Host Committee, about the city’s preparedness for the convention. “Cleveland is absolutely ready,” Lauer beamed.


“And the river doesn’t catch fire anymore, that’s what I heard,” Bee pointed out. “You can thank us for the Clean Water Act,” said Lauer.

A counterpoint was provided by Steve Loomis, president of the Cleveland Police Patrolmen’s Association, who told Bee “we’re screwed.”

“The men and women of the Cleveland Police Dept are going to do the absolute best they can with the resources, training and equipment they’ve been given. That being said, they haven’t been given enough of any of that,” Loomis said. His authority on the matter was undercut somewhat a few moments later, when Bee asked if she could go undercover with him sometime.

“Absolutely, you’d be a great hooker,” he replied.

Watch more clips from last night’s episode here.

Ellie is a freelance writer and former senior writer at Jezebel. She is pursuing a master's degree in science journalism at Columbia University in the fall.

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I’d rather my city host a fucking G8 summit or even an (ugh) Olympics than this bullshit. Poor Cleveland.