Rush Limbaugh Praises Ted Cruz's Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent

Illustration for article titled Rush Limbaugh Praises Ted Cruz's Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent

Rush Limbaugh, like an evil dad in a sports movie giving his antagonist son a stern sideline pep talk, has claimed that the media is bullying Ted Cruz because we’re jealous of his many excellent qualities, which he outlined as “IQ,” “intelligence,” “talent,” and “ability.” Yas gawd!


Cruz—an admittedly easy target thanks to the fact that he is both awful and bears striking resemblance to the ferryman of the River Styx—has been getting smacked around in the press a bit more than usual of late following several violently off-the-wall comments he made in the aftermath of the Brussels attacks, including declaring that Muslim neighborhoods ought to be “patrolled.” In interviews on Wednesday, Limbaugh was like, sashay away, media!!

Via Politico:

“Why do they hate Ted Cruz so much? Well yeah, partly it’s because he’s conservative. But why hate that?” said Limbaugh, who has not endorsed. “It’s more than—it’s threatening. And I’m just going to tell you in the case of Ted Cruz, every damned one of these people knows full well that they are not in his league in terms of IQ, in terms of intelligence, in terms of talent and ability. They can’t compete with him.”

Limbaugh continued, claiming that the media perceives Ted Cruz as a “threat” (uh, yes, guilty!) who boasts a “raw native intelligence”—which I believe roughly translates to fanatical xenophobic realness, y’all! Werk!

Images via Getty.

Ellie is a freelance writer and former senior writer at Jezebel. She is pursuing a master's degree in science journalism at Columbia University in the fall.


SadeVEVO ✓ official

Charismatic, no. Talented, no. Unique, almost certainly.

Topologically speaking, the man’s face has super-asymmetry: An equal opposite to the property of supersymmetry which was once thought to be impossible (especially for a presidential candidate). For Cruz, each subdivision of his head—no matter how small those subdivisions become—cannot possibly achieve symmetry in and of itself. Even Garrison Keillor, a notably asymmetrical man, has certain particulate subsections of his head which achieve symmetry when observed in isolation. Keillor’s bosons behave according to the Standard Model; they exist in a quantum field composed of particles with integer spin, even if his face winds up looking sorta weird as a result. Conversely, for Cruz, even when dividing down to the quantum level—accounting for the color charge of each individual quark that composes the many manifolds of his shitty visage—you will never obtain a symmetrical arrangement of its constituent parts.

Cruz’s head disproves the necessity of the Higgs boson on a fundamental level, by asserting that what we know about mathematics at its core is simply incorrect. In our universe, we often deal only in finites. Only in string theory can we imagine a version of the universe where infinite and uncountable sets (“strings”) can be “condensed” into finite points on other dimensions. In this way, the existence of Cruz’s unique head disproves the Standard Model. Such a universe must be without any finite “particles” per se, but instead a series of hyperdimensional strings each of infinite length whose subdivisions—for the Texas Senator—are themselves random to the point of perfect asymmetry.

While this website might be quick to pretend that Rush Limbaugh is wrong on all counts, they must merely attempt to explain Cruz’s face using the QFT model before their liberal propaganda falls apart: The explanation cannot exist. The uniquity of Cruz’s face owes itself to a heretofore unseen component within the n-manifold, which has temporarily intersected with the observable 4-space and—during that brief intersection—has expressed its hatred for symmetrical Muslims whose existence has always been expressible using standard quantum field theory.

Unique is an understatement.