MUSHROOM DICK
Image: Getty

Stormy Daniels’s presidential tell-all Full Disclosure isn’t out yet, but the Guardian snagged a copy, which is why we now have a working description of Donald Trump’s dick.

The description of the dick has been a minor threat looming over the nation since January—Daniels had seen the dick, been intimate with the dick, and knew what the dick looked like, but was holding out for just the right moment. That moment is now. Here it is. The dick.

She describes Trump’s penis as “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small.”

“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…

“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart...

“It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”

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Oh, what a beautiful morning! What a gorgeous day. This song is now stuck in my head. It’s only Tuesday.