Oooh, I just found a packet of Tums in the women’s bathroom.
Here’s all the shit we couldn’t cover today:
- Rep. John Conyers announced his immediate retirement today amidst increasingly loud calls for his resignation from fellow House Democrats. Conyers, the longest-serving active member of the House, is facing multiple sexual harassment allegations, and has admitted to paying out $27,000 from a congressional fund to a former aide who made sexual harassment allegations. Conyers is 88, and has “often appeared disoriented,” the New York Times reported in November. He has endorsed his son, John Conyers III, as his replacement. Was that... the best move, under the circumstances? “My legacy can’t be compromised or diminished in any way by what we’re going through now. This, too, shall pass, and I want you to know that my legacy will continue through my children,” Conyers said today from the hospital, where he is reportedly staying due to “stress.” [Politico]
- Trump has told leaders in the Middle East that he plans to declare Jerusalem the capital of Israel—a dangerous action that would trigger unrest and potential violence, as Jerusalem is contested territory; the PLO currently holds that East Jerusalem would be the capital of any Palestinian state. Now would be a great time for another foreign policy crisis, don’t you think? [New York Times]
- Guess what? Ryan Zinke would like to shrink more monuments, please! Just shrink ‘em on up! The Interior Department should just make its motto “Nature: It’s Good for Oil and Shooting Animals On.” [Washington Post]
- Kirstjen M. Nielsen, an ally of John Kelly, has been confirmed as his replacement at the Department of Homeland Security. [Washington Post]
- Here’s a good story about Mike Pence. [The Atlantic]
- Do you want to feel terrified? Like, more terrified? Here! [The Intercept]
- Roy Moore blocked Doug Jones on Twitter because he is a big manly cowboy, pew pew, pew pew.
Here are some tweets the president was allowed to publish:
This has been Barf Bag.