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New court documents have surfaced revealing more definitive details about the mysterious case of Rand Paul getting tackled and severely injured by his neighbor. The attack was said to be inspired by yard debris. Please sit down, as this is going to be titillating.

If I were to be angry with Rand Paul over something, it would probably not be the “unsightly” pile of tree limbs in his backyard, but I am not Rene Boucher, 60, a man who, according to this court memorandum filed by his attorney, had had enough. From the Associated Press:

It said the disagreement over yard debris dates back to September 2017, when Paul piled a 10-foot-wide (3-meter-wide) stack of limbs onto a spot near Boucher’s property. The pile sat until October, when Boucher picked it up and hauled it away in portable dumpsters.

“Even though this debris was not on Dr. Boucher’s property, he viewed it as unsightly — as it was placed directly in his line of sight from his patio and the back door of his house,” the court record said.

Two more piles of debris appeared in the same month, and Boucher burned the pile on Nov. 2. Boucher used gasoline and suffered second-degree burns that he needed treatment for, the memorandum said.

The next day, Paul used his lawnmower to blow leaves onto Boucher’s yard and then made another branch pile in the same spot, it said.

Fuck!

“As Dr. Boucher has stated throughout, he lost his temper and tackled Rand Paul as Paul was carrying branches from another location on his property and placing them on the property line,” the memorandum read. Boucher’s attorney denied that his client’s actions were politically motivated, and requested probation, while prosecutors are seeking prison time. He’s set to be sentenced on Friday.

Maybe people shouldn’t have lawns? No more lawns, I think.