Loud-Mouthed Iowan Casually Suggests Solving Undocumented Immigration Problem with Slavery

Opinions are like assholes: especially repulsive in Iowa.

Jan Mickelson, the host of a popular right wing radio show that has welcomed several top Republican presidential contenders as his guests, announced today that he’s come up with a workable solution to the problem of undocumented immigrants in Iowa: slavery.

The brilliant plan, according to Mickelson (and spotted by Media Matters), would unfold in multiple steps. First, hard-working Iowans who were lucky enough to be shat out on American soil like true patriots would erect signs informing all passersby that unless they were able to produce evidence that they were living in the state of Iowa legally, after a certain date, they’d become “property of the state.” Mickelson continued,

So if you are here without our permission, and we have given you two months to leave, and you’re still here, and we find that you’re still here after we we’ve given you the deadline to leave, then you become property of the State of Iowa. And we have a job for you. And we start using compelled labor, the people who are here illegally would therefore be owned by the state and become an asset of the state rather than a liability and we start inventing jobs for them to do.

“Well how would you apply that logic to what Donald Trump is trying to do? Trying to get Mexico to pay for the border and for the wall?”

“Same way. We say, ‘Hey, we are not going to make Mexico pay for the wall, we’re going to invite the illegal Mexicans and illegal aliens to build it. If you have come across the border illegally, again give them another 60-day guideline, you need to go home and leave this jurisdiction, and if you don’t you become property of the United States, and guess what? You will be building a wall. We will compel your labor. You would belong to these United States. You show up without an invitation, you get to be an asset. You get to be a construction worker. Cool!’

A caller pointed out that this is technically slavery, and slavery is bad. Mickelson disagreed. “What’s wrong with slavery?” he countered. Who can argue with that?

Mickelson’s plan isn’t much less feasible than other immigration reform plans proposed by Republicans in recent weeks; critics of Trump’s bombastic plan to kick out every undocumented immigrant have helpfully pointed out that it would cost a completely unfeasible $140 billion to execute, but that hasn’t stopped fellow fiscal conservative Scott Walker from voicing his support for similar action. Mike Huckabee’s plan to force all immigrants to the US to arrive exclusively through the uteruses of unwilling 10-year-olds, while creative, has also been poorly received. Jeb Bush’s plan to correctly pronounce “guacamole” over and over again until we start asking him questions he’s got good answers for is also risky, as is Ted Cruz’s plan to smile with only the sides of his mouth. But I have to hand it to Jan Mickelson: his plan is absolutely the most insane in a political arena literally teeming with craziness. He should run for President.