Lincoln, my sweet, humble wood stork: since the moment you stepped on that CNN debate stage 10 days ago, you were everything to me.

Your nervous blinking, your shy smiles, the way you fearlessly promoted an anti-war agenda and also the metric system—America loved you, even when we didn’t really know who you were, where you came from, why you were running for president, or how to pronounce your name.

“As you know I have been campaigning on a platform of prosperity through peace,” you announced on this brisk fall morning, before singlehandedly crushing the prospect of me ever smiling again during a presidential debate. “But after much thought I have decided to end my campaign for president today.”

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Here’s the full video, in which you discuss the Peloponnesian War and rip my heart to shreds:

And so it is. Goodbye, dear friend. Now flap those wings and fly on home to your tiny nest.


Contact the author at ellie@jezebel.com.

Image via Associated Press.

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