Above is a photo of Jeb “Heb” Bush standing alone at Miami International Airport, the great quandary of life pressing down on him on all sides with the brunt force of an industrial-scale trash compactor. How I have missed this devastating man.


Let’s take a moment, please, to remember happier times (happier on our end, to be clear):

Do you recall when, a mere four months ago, before he suspended his historic failure of a presidential campaign, Jeb switched to contacts and made a slightly offensive joke about it that no one laughed at? Or a few weeks earlier, when Jeb implored an audience to “please clap”? Or how about one day before that, when he awkwardly informed a young voter: “I want to be your first”? Or when he promised to “whup” Hillary Clinton, or when JebBush.com redirected to Trump’s website, or when the man introducing Jeb at a rally accidentally called him “George”?


And who can forget that fateful day when Jeb delivered, unprompted, this shriek of dynastic anguish heard ‘round the world: “I love my mother more than my dad”?

It appears that not much has changed. What a relief to see that no matter what happens in this crazy game called life, Jeb Bush will continue to be profoundly uncomfortable.

Ellie is a freelance writer and former senior writer at Jezebel. She is pursuing a master's degree in science journalism at Columbia University in the fall.

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