Just a Few Observations From Sarah Huckabee Sanders's Long-Ass Campaign Announcement Video

For anyone full of self-loathing with seven minutes and 46 seconds of their life to waste, may I suggest watching the announcement of Sarah Huckabee Sanders’s gubernatorial run? The former Trump Press Secretary and Arkansas native is ready to give back to the state that raised her by promoting “law and order,” prohibiting sanctuary cities for undocumented immigrants, and opposing “radical” environmental reforms. Oh, and pushing for lower taxes, of course. Her campaign already has the following eye-roll-inducing tagline: “A leader with the courage to do what’s right - not what’s politically correct.

For those who didn’t watch her lie and obfuscate for her boss for nearly two years straight, the video positions Sanders as just another Republican, dedicated to America’s military might and convinced that the so-called “radical left” is poised to destroy the nation. Given her particular complicity to the Trump doctrine, she’s actually worse, but that certainly doesn’t hurt her chances: the position of Arkansas governor has seen both Democrats and Republican rule over the last 40 years, but Trump received over 60 percent of the state’s vote in the 2020 election and Sanders’s father, Mike Huckabee, was governor for nearly a decade. As much as Americans pride themselves on having little tolerance for kings and queens, we’re suckers for political dynasties.

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Sanders’s charmless demeanor and monotone drawl were hard enough to sit through, but the following observations left me both bored and taken aback:

1. Sanders is happily relying on fear-mongering tactics and hoping they stick

Hearing a politician seriously use the term “cancel culture” in a campaign ad is embarrassing, but running an anti-cancel culture campaign is even more embarrassing. In her ad, Sanders says, “I took on the media, the radical left and their ‘cancel culture,’ and I won. As governor, I will be your voice, and never let them silence you.”

Later, she repeated a similar refrain, saying, “I will not bow down to the radical left,” a group she is very invested in describing as some kind of shadowy crime syndicate instead of people protesting police brutality.

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2. Sanders’ husband is surprisingly kind of hot?

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He’s nothing to call home about, and considering the fact that he’s married to Sanders it’s evident that his politics are either just as awful as hers or he lacks good judgment, but I gotta say... Little Miss Liar did alright for herself on that front.

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3. SHE’S A CHRISTIAN!!!!!!!!

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“As White House Press Secretary, I never had to worry about the far left and their allies at CNN or the New York Times defining me, because I have a creator who has already done that,” Sanders said. The camera pivoted to a church, and then back to a sunlit (GOD-LIT?) Sanders with the word “Christian” overlaying her.

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Incredible.

4. What she doesn’t mention...

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Sanders noted that she was the first White House Press Secretary to require Secret Service detail after a credible threat was made against her life. Yes, that’s bad, but why won’t she mention the other traumatic moment during her press secretary tenure? You know the one: When she was asked to leave a Virginia restaurant due to her fascist-lite politics.

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I can’t believe she left that story out. It really is a harrowing tale of perseverance in the face of political oppression by a restaurant owner. Brave! Vote for Sarah!

Staff writer, mint chocolate hater.

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DISCUSSION

snide-o-mite
Snide-O-Mite

Sarah, do you watch cartoons? Every villain has your pointy eyebrows! They’re very distracting because you look you’re always pissed off or trying to make a point! It's weird to look like that all the time. Your GOP brethren also have eyebrow issues!

You took on “cancel culture?” Your former boss just left in shame, impeached again, and a large number of people dissociated themselves from him. How is that a win? His ass can’t go on Twitter or Facebook!

Did you marry an Eric Roberts clone? I need to know!