Join Jezebel Tonight for a Debate Where Everything's Made Up and the Facts Don't Matter

Image via Getty.
Image via Getty.

Tonight, in an arena at Long Island’s adequate Hofstra University, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton will be evaluated on a number of factors that have virtually nothing to do with each candidate’s ability to serve competently as president.

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The first of the general election debates promises to elevate your blood pressure for at least three reasons. One: the participants. Two: The format (90 minutes straight, no breaks, no commercials, God help us). Three: the Commission on Presidential Debates’ anti-journalistic stance that candidates not be fact-checked.

At home, Americans will be grading each party’s candidate by their own metrics, also independent of the facts. Will one of them be able to suppress a coughing attack? Will the other be able to string together a coherent sentence? Will one of them look annoyed? Will the other manage to make it to his hotel room before melting into a pile of neon sludge?

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We at Jezebel and the Slot will do our best to fact-check in moderator Lester Holt’s place, and provide thorough, unyielding updates about how our bodily functions are rapidly breaking down due to stress and mistreatment. So, fill a prescription of your favorite beta blocker, and join us tonight at 9 p.m. We’ll be here, waiting impatiently for death’s chilly embrace.

Senior Editor, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

omgponies-at
OMG!PONIES!

Fuck that noise!

I say that Holt starts the debate off with a giant fucking screen and tells both candidates that whenever one of them says something provably false, the screen will show the video proof showing the exact opposite to be true.

And when Trump complains about it, Holt will just say, “Yeah, so I lied about the format. If you don’t like it, take a hike like the cowardly little chicken-shit that you are.”

Fair disclosure: This has actually been a recurring dream of mine for the last 10 days. I wake up and my pajama bottoms are mysteriously damp and sticky.