Jezebel's Guide to 2020 in Which We Definitively Predict the Next Democratic Presidential Nominee

Illustration: Elena Scotti

It’s official: everyone is running for president! But who will win? I know who will win, with 100 percent accuracy, and am happy to share this information with you through a definitive accounting of each candidate’s chances based on our “five facets” metric. (Why five? Five is an objectively correct number. Four is less than five, and six is too many.)

This metric involves ranking candidates by where they fall in regards to the following five facets that we know Democratic primary voters care about the most:

1. How Much Jomentum?

2. Mario Kart Player Choice?

3. Too Hungry or Just Tired?

4. Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

5. Marianne Williamson?

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Based on how they fall under each of these metrics, I have assigned each candidate an overall score represented by a Game of Thrones season, with Season 1 being the best and Season 6 being the worst (Season 7 is somewhere in the middle).

Kirsten Gillibrand: Season 2

How Much Jomentum?

Four Jomentums. This is based on how many Joe Liebermans of momentum Gillibrand has accrued. It is four.

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Mario Kart Player Choice?

Luigi. Speaks up when necessary, also has the energy of a green hat.

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Just Tired. She almost got takeout at 11pm, but all she really needed was to go to sleep.

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Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

Only water-type Pokémon. Polling for Gillibrand is high among Squirtles.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

Joe Biden: Season 4

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How Much Jomentum?

One Joe for one Joe.

Mario Kart Player Choice?

Mario. He just presses the A button.

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Too Hungry. Felt faint, but then found some almonds in his pocket.

Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

No. Looking at little to no Pokémon turnout for Biden.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

Kamala Harris: Season 3

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How Much Jomentum?

Five Joes. This is maximum Jomentum.

Mario Kart Player Choice?

Bowser. A slow, but controlled burn.

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Too Hungry. Was too busy to grab breakfast.

Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

Yes. The Pokémon will show up.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

Howard Schultz (Independent): Season 6

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How Much Jomentum?

No Joe. Howard. Also independent, though!

Mario Kart Player Choice?

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His controller was unplugged :(

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Too Hungry. Had a single patty Five Guys burger for lunch, should have gotten double patty.

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Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

Only business-type Pokémon. Which do not exist.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

Elizabeth Warren: Season 2

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How Much Jomentum?

One Joe. More than no Joe at least.

Mario Kart Player Choice?

Yoshi. A working animal or a friend? Both.

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Just Tired. Was up until 2am last night thinking of the monopolies.

Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

Yes. High Pokémon turnout expected.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

Tulsi Gabbard: Season 6

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How Much Jomentum?

One Joe. Joe levels low.

Mario Kart Player Choice?

Wario. (Bad Mario.)

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Too Hungry. Drank two beers after work and then forgot to eat dinner.

Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

Only ghost-type Pokémon. Haunter. Ghastly. Another one I can’t think of.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

Beto O’Rourke: Season 5

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How Much Jomentum?

Four Joes. Nice!

Mario Kart Player Choice?

Mario. Obviously.

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Just Tired. He is “woke” but not “awoke.”

Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

Yes. He’s got the support of other Pokémon trainers, so they trust him.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

Cory Booker: Season 3

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How Much Jomentum

Three Joes. Not too bad.

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Mario Kart Player Choice?

Peach. Deferential to authority.

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Too Hungry. Left his lunch on the kitchen counter.

Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

Yes. Pokémon love this guy.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

John Hickenlooper: Season 7

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How Much Jomentum

No Joe. John.

Mario Kart Player Choice?

Another Mario. Let’s not kid ourselves here.

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Too Hungry. Skipped lunch for a meeting but was still late for meeting.

Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

No. Most Pokémon have never heard of Hickenlooper, though Hickenlooper is a rare Pokémon.

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Marianne Williamson?

No.

Bernie Sanders: Season 2

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How Much Jomentum

Four Joes. Pretty good for a Bernie.

Mario Kart Player Choice?

Donkey Kong. Strong, like a banana.

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Just Tired. Tried to take a nap but it was too light out still.

Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

Yes. Based on past elections, high Pokémon turnout expected.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

Amy Klobuchar: Season 5

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How Much Jomentum

Two Joes. Both named Joe.

Mario Kart Player Choice?

Luigi. Taller than Mario, but not cooler.

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Too Hungry. The entree she ordered at dinner was smaller than she thought it would be.

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Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

No. Has not done anything significant for the Pokémon community.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

Sherrod Brown: Season 2

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How Much Jomentum

Three Joes. Not too shabby.

Mario Kart Player Choice?

Toad. An acquaintance, but not necessarily a friend, of Mario’s.

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Just Tired. Binge watched too many episodes of the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina last night.

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Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

Only normal-type Pokémon. But they are big fans of Sherrod.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

Michael Bloomberg: Season 6

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How Much Jomentum

One Joe. But in Joe Jonases.

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Mario Kart Player Choice?

Mario. He relates.

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Too Hungry. Has been doing Whole 30.

Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

Only business-type Pokémon. Which do not exist.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

Marianne Williamson: Season 1

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How Much Jomentum

Five Joes. Max Joes!

Mario Kart Player Choice?

Bowser?? Barely even know ‘er!

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Too Hungry. Forgot to pack a fork, so couldn’t eat lunch on the go.

Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

Only psychic-type Pokémon. Polls high among this group.

Marianne Williamson?

Yes.

Pete Buttigieg: Season 7

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How Much Jomentum

One Joe. Not great.

Mario Kart Player Choice?

Peach, but it was an accident. Meant to choose Mario.

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Just Tired. Should have taken a melatonin before bed.

Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

No. Very few in-roads into the Pokémon community.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

Julian Castro: Season 3

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How Much Jomentum

No Joe. Hard to see him getting past this.

Mario Kart Player Choice?

Toad. Has always been partial to vegetables.

Too Hungry or Just Tired?

Too Hungry. Didn’t realize fast enough how hungry he was and is now feeling faint.

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Pokémon Go to the Polls or No?

Highly likely.

Marianne Williamson?

No.

And there you have it! Based on their overall strength on the five facets metric, the ticket will be Marianne Williamson/Sherrod Brown 2020. See you at the polls!

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