Is One of These Turkeys Named Rudy Giuliani?

While an impeachment hearing rages on in Congress, Donald Trump prepares for his most important role this year: Pardoning some fucking turkeys. At a press conference held by the National Turkey Federation, also known as Big Turkey, a professor of “poultry immunology” representing the lobbying group named the blessed birds who will soon be spared the axe of death by the President and his wife. Unfortunately, he opted out of going with the much more relevant “Rudy” and “Giulliani,” instead naming them “Bread” and “Butter.” Boring!

Why the Trump administration thinks it necessary to pardon anything, let alone some birds, at this particular juncture of the impeachment hearings is a mystery best left unsolved. As for the turkeys, who I have nicknamed “Rudy” and “Giulliani,” will enjoy the rest of their week in a hotel room far larger than any apartment I’ve ever lived in. And like the actual Rudy Giuliani, I’m left wondering: What sorts of bribes did these turkeys pull off to escape the butcher’s block, if only in the immediate moment?