Wow, today is an auspicious day. Not only is June 14, 1940 the day that Nazi troops invaded Paris during World War II, it’s the day that—just six years later—Donald Trump, an exploded goose down pillow bathed in menstrual blood, would invade the United States.

70 years later, boy, what he has accomplished! He founded a now-folded steak company; a now-folded, fraudulent university; a now-folded airline, and fairly soon, he very well could become CEO of a folded country. (A fairytale about King Donald: everything he touches turns to fold!)

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In honor of the man who wants to remove our First Amendment rights, we decided to embrace them wholeheartedly, while we still can, by publishing a list of 70 of Jezebel’s favorite Trump descriptions since the start of 2016.

Trump, while you might destroy America as you’ve destroyed essentially every business venture you’ve ever run, you’ve made us examine our own creativity, and realize that the best thesaurus is the thesaurus of the heart.

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Happy birthday—you are a:

  1. Seagull dipped in tikka masala
  2. Bursting landfill of municipal solid waste
  3. Mountain of rotting whale blubber
  4. Sputum-filled Orange Julius
  5. Gangrenous gaping wound
  6. Racist, sexist block of aged Cheddar
  7. Oversized wasp exoskeleton stuffed with old mustard
  8. Neo-fascist real estate golem
  9. Abandoned roadside ham hock
  10. Bewildered, golden-helmeted astronaut who’s just landed on this planet from a distant galaxy

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  1. Monument to human hubris crafted out of rotting Spam
  2. A walking pile of reanimated roadkill
  3. Heaving carcass
  4. Stately hot dog casing
  5. Flatulent leather couch
  6. Swollen earthworm gizzard
  7. Narcissistic bowl of rotten gazpacho
  8. Yellowing hunk of masticated gristle
  9. A human/Komodo dragon hybrid
  10. Blackening scab artfully hiding in your Raisin Bran
  11. “Taco truck”
  12. A man who could one day become the first hobgoblin to enter the White House
  13. A pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball
  14. Horsehair mattress stuffed with molding copies of Hustler
  15. Malignant corn chip
  16. Human Kinder Egg whose inner surprise is a tiny pebble of rat shit
  17. The sculpture your three-year-old made out of soggy ground-up goldfish snacks
  18. A man with the hair of a radioactive skunk
  19. Roiling Cheez Whiz mass
  20. Cryogenically frozen bog man
  21. A glistening, shouting gristle mass with a history of saying terrible and stupid things

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  1. Screaming giant cheese wedge
  2. Republican frontrunner and 250-pound accumulation of rancid beef
  3. Day-Glo roadside billboard about jock itch
  4. Temperamental gelatinous sponge
  5. Sentient hate-balloon
  6. A Rumpelstiltskin inflated with a bike pump and filled with bacteria
  7. Sun-kissed ass plug
  8. Self-tanning enthusiast
  9. An enraged, bewigged fetus blown up to nightmarish size
  10. Parental pile of burnt organic material
  11. Human-shaped wad of Gak
  12. Walking irradiated tumor
  13. Uncooked chicken breast
  14. KKK rally port-a-potty holding tank
  15. Neon-tinted hellion
  16. A plentiful field of dung piled into the shape of a presidential candidate
  17. Malfunctioning wind turbine
  18. Seeping fleabag
  19. Sloshing styrofoam takeout container filled with three-day-old mac and cheese
  20. A sticky, grabby, Cheeto-hued toddler with no sense of adult deportment
  21. Figurative rubber, and also literal rubber
  22. A carnivorous plant watered with irradiated bat urine
  23. Sentient waste disposal plant
  24. A disappointment
  25. Poorly-drawn fascist
  26. Racist teratoma
  27. Lamprey eel spray-painted gold
  28. A hair that you pluck, causing a cluster of hairs to sprout in its place
  29. Sunken, corroding soufflé
  30. Nacho cheese golem
  31. Undead tangerine
  32. A cartoon representation of Irritable Bowel Syndrome in a pharmaceutical ad
  33. Fossilized meatball
  34. Horking mole-creature suffering from radioactive spray-tan
  35. Tattered Craigslist sofa
  36. A full-grown Monopoly dog carefully balancing a spongecake atop his head
  37. Play-Doh factory explosion
  38. A new superfood made of finely-ground clown wigs
  39. Unkempt troll doll found floating facedown in a tub of rancid Beluga caviar

Image via Getty.

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