It’s hard to imagine a more fitting bookend to Donald Trump’s freudian howl of a presidential campaign than a 67-year-old in a camo hat jiggling his tiny man parts onstage at a campaign rally. Just one more day, ladies and gentlemen.

In 2012, Ted Nugent prompted a Secret Service investigation after appearing to make an assassination threat against Barack Obama at an NRA conference; back in 2007, while brandishing several assault rifles, he also suggested Clinton “ride one of these into the sunset, you worthless bitch.” And in 2016, Donald Trump thought to himself: I love that.


At a Trump rally in Sterling Heights, Michigan on Sunday, Nugent grabbed the crotch of his pants, yelling: “I got your blue state right here, baby! Black and blue!”

I’m not sure even Ted Nugent knows what he meant by that. Is he suggesting that he touches his own crotch so much that it is bruised? That Michigan’s Democratic voters now reside inside his pants? That he has frostbite? Clutch your dicks all you want, folks, but it’s not going to stop you from getting a woman president. And after that—well, I hear they’ll fall right off. Sad!

Ellie is a freelance writer and former senior writer at Jezebel. She is pursuing a master's degree in science journalism at Columbia University in the fall.

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