Imagine If We'd Learned About Don Jr.'s Wandering Dick in 2013

Illustration for article titled Imagine If We'd Learned About Don Jr.'s Wandering Dick in 2013
Image: AP

Sometimes it’s nice to sit back and imagine what life could’ve been like had one teensy thing been different—a Sliding Doors moment, if you will. Today’s exercise: What if we had learned way back in 2013 about Don Jr.’s inability to keep his dick to himself?

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Buried deep in a Wall Street Journal report about hush money and Trump’s lawyer, Michael Cohen, is this tidbit about Don Jr.’s wandering dong and its involvement with Aubrey O’Day.

Separately, Mr. Cohen succeeded around 2013 in killing a story Us Weekly was preparing about an alleged affair between Donald Trump Jr., who had been a judge a year earlier on the television show, “Celebrity Apprentice,” and one of the contestants, Aubrey O’Day, a member of the singing duo Dumblonde, according to people familiar with the matter.

The magazine, then owned by Wenner Media, had what staffers believed to be a solid source on the alleged affair by the younger Mr. Trump and called the Trump Organization for comment, according to the people involved in the matter. They received a call back from Mr. Cohen, who threatened legal action and became so irate that they muted the call while he spoke, one of these people said.

“We were all on speakerphone and huddled around the phone,” this person said. “He was just one of these New York characters where he was just like swearing at us and totally over-the-top threatening.”

The magazine’s staff didn’t believe it was a big story that would be worth a legal fight and had a good working relationship with the elder Mr. Trump on stories related to the TV show “The Apprentice,” so they dropped the story.

There was truly no way of knowing that just five years later, we’d be forced to think about the infidelities of the only Trump son with eyebrows, but imagine how the world would’ve been different if this fun fact had come to light! Maybe nothing would’ve changed—or maybe you’d be living in a garret in Paris, working on a post-modernist bildungsroman written only by candlelight.

Makes you think!

Senior Writer, Jezebel

DISCUSSION

Masshole James, Unstable Genius

Don Jr. was worried that the article would reveal that he has a micropenis (It’s a hereditary condition.) His dick is so small, even escorts ask him if they could just cuddle.

He’s so small that his wife has to keep tweezers on her night stand for their monthly sessions.

I mean it’s so small the only time he could give his wife an orgasm is when he pulls out his American Express card!