Hey there, ho there, young women of the Internet. My name is Joe Biden and I’m not on your SlapChats or TikTaks but I came here to let you know two very important things. Number one, I am running for president of the United States of America, following behind the excellent example of my good friend Barack Obama. Barack, as I like to call him since we’re friends, is like a brother to me. I speak to my brother every day, in fact, no one has spoken to Barack as much as I have. He believes in me. He supports my dreams to be president. I’m sorry, what was that? Did you say endorsement? Please don’t interrupt me, I am taking my full time to speak.
Number two! I wrote The Bill. Not just any bill, The Bill. It is a good bill. Other people say they wrote it, like my friend Bernie Sanders—did I mention I can do more push-ups than Bernie—or that woman over there, what’s her name? Annie? Amy? No, it’s not that. Whatever she says about her bills, I wrote The Bill. There is not a person on this Internet that has written more bills than I have. I am the only one who has written a bill or The Bill. Sometimes my wife Jill—do you see how her name rhymes with bill—sometimes when we’re alone biting each other’s fingers she tells me how much she loves all the bills I’ve written. Every single damn one.
And another thing, it looks like I’ve got about 15 seconds left, I love women. I love all kinds of women. No one loves or respects women more than I do. Not even former President Barack Obama, a dear friend of mine, or any other candidate still running has done as much for women. Senator Warren, please put your hand down, I didn’t cut you off when it was your turn. I am a gentleman. Number three! If elected president I will challenge all foreign leaders of the world to a decathlon. If Xi Jianping, who I’ve spent a lot of time with, wants to negotiate trade with this country, he’s going to have to prove himself in the ultimate test of leadership. I, Joe Built Like a Bull Wrote The Bill Biden, will outrun, out jump, and outlast every single leader and restore this country to the top of every list. So when election day comes, just remember… when is election day again? I wrote the bill!