I Will Personally Fight Melania for My Right to Vape

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Melania Trump, a woman who is either a robot or a real person or something somewhere in the middle, is now coming for vapes. Vapes. The one thing in the world that is better than smoking cigarettes (those are bad), vapes make life on this hell planet a little less hellish, and now, Melania would like us all to “be best” while not vaping.

Melania, Kellyanne Conway, and Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar gathered a group of teens in the White House on Wednesday to talk about the evils of vaping. These teens, who were gathered by the Truth Initiative, all got Be Best backpacks in exchange for an hour of their time in the Blue Room of the White House, answering prodding questions about if and why they vaped and how it has maybe ruined their lives:

Melania nods thoughtfully as teens tell their tales about how vaping got them in trouble with their parents and how they eventually tried to turn their lives around. “I can say one in every ten kids has a Juul,” a teen explains, as Melania blinks slowly, nodding, processing. Gears whir. Something in her brain clicks into place. Vape bad, Melania thinks. I’m best. Be best. No vape.

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While it’s not great that teens are somehow getting their hands on Juuls and using them to vape off-brand Mocha Pumpkin Spice-a-cinno pods, therefore developing an addiction to nicotine and cloud chasing, I would love it if Melania focused on something other than this crisis. Melania, if you come for the vapes, I will be forced to fight you. Please don’t make me do this; my arms are weak and made of Greek yogurt and you seem very buff. Please, just leave them alone. Let the vapes be best alone. Thank you.

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