I Found Jesus At a Bernie Sanders Rally

PHILADELPHIA — “All your sins are forgiven!” Jesus informed me at a “Bernie or Bust” rally in front of Philadelphia’s City Hall. His robe was a little warm, he said. “I bought it at a Muslim store.”

“Vote for Bernie!” a woman with a Sanders sign shrieked, interrupting our conversation. “Jesus was Jewish, just like Bernieeeee!”

“Jesus was a Jew!” Jesus agreed. “I’m a Jew, too!” The Bernie supporter left, satisfied.

“Who does Jesus vote for?” I wondered.

“I vote for myself,” he said.