Hillary Clinton Says She'd Use Powerball Winnings to Fund Her Campaign. BORING!

Hillary Clinton bought a Powerball ticket. She probably won’t win. But in a distant parallel universe, on a planet similar to Earth, there’s a scenario in which Clinton wins tonight’s $1.5 billion Powerball and loses the presidential election. With her prize money and depression over failing to become the world’s most powerful human, she quits politics and devises a plan to erect a home that’s an exact replica of the White House, with one addition: a moat.


She calls it The Why? House. It’s a place where she can rest her head. Every morning at 7 a.m., she opens the door to her Oval Office and sits, presidentially, behind the desk. She surveys her surroundings, smooths her hands over the storied wood and gazes at the ceiling, where she had mirrors installed so she can watch herself watching herself. A chuckle erupts into a cackle. She goes back to bed. She knows what she’d rather have. She knows money can’t buy dreams. It can only buy alligator-skin Crocs and pillows made of crisp hundred-dollar bills with her face on them.

There’s plenty that Hillary Clinton could do if she won the Powerball, like build The Why? House. Instead, she tells Good Morning America’s George Stephanopoulos that she’d use it to “fund my campaign.”

What a waste.

Contact the author at clover.hope@jezebel.com.



i mean how else is she supposed to hire beyonce in order to reach the youths

THEY STILL LIKE BEYONCE RIGHT?!??!, says her youth outreach coordinator who has been locked in a windowless office room since Hillary learned that only 1 million people watch Girls