Last week, Donald Trump whined that the mean Department of Homeland Security isn’t giving him a Secret Service security detail because he’s a Republican. Today, an unreliable report says he’s getting one, along with Ben Carson. Even if it’s not true, we must ask: What’s the best code name for the Donald?
The right-wing outlet Newsmax reports today that Carson and Trump are being assigned official security details, in a story we saw via NYMag. And it’s definitely true, since Newsmax is a very reputable outlet indeed, best known for running AP wire stories alongside sponsored content about how to hide your gold bullion from the IRS. (Also from Newsmax today: a breathless piece on Captain America “turning leftie” and “defending illegal immigrants.”)
Whoever’s talking to Newsmax seems to have spun an elaborate piece of fan fic about Ben Carson being under direct threat by ISIS:
The source said there was evidence that home-grown terrorists might be targeting a major political candidate like Carson. The Secret Service approached the Carson campaign to offer federal protection.
Both Carson and his campaign strongly resisted the Secret Service’s request at first, the source said.
But then Carson reluctantly agreed to the deployment of agents after the agency warned of grave danger and shared certain intelligence.
Yes. Who could that story have come from. Who could it be.
But it’s certainly possible both Trump and Carson will get official Secret Service details soon if they’ve requested them, given that they’re currently the frontrunners. And that, of course, means code names.
George W. Bush’s code name was “Tumbler,” later changed to the slightly nicer “Trailblazer.” President Obama’s is “Renegade,” while Michelle’s is “Renaissance.” And for Trump, we have a few suggestions:
- Fatcat (Fitting)
- Miss Universe (His best-known affiliation)
- Miss Uranus
- Gold-Plated Bidet (You know he has one)
- Citizen Kane
- Any of these very good nicknames
- Hot Air Balloon
- Great Big Beautiful Wall
- Scrooge McDuck
- Uncle Pennybags
- Meatloaf Sandwich (It’s his favorite!)
- El Jefe (Just to piss him off)
Feel free to leave your own suggestions below, since surely the Secret Service takes requests.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Public PGP key
PGP fingerprint: 67B5 5767 9D6F 652E 8EFD 76F5 3CF0 DAF2 79E5 1FB6