Here's Your 'Drink 'Til You Forget Who's President' State of the Union Live Blog

Images via Getty/AP. Illustration by Bobby Finger.

Tonight we will be subjected to a word stir-fry (Trump would never have anything to do with a salad) of nationalistic, xenophobic, dog-whistle prose, delivered by our reluctant president, a congealed adult-shaped mound of the grease run-off collected by a George Foreman grill.

This afternoon, the White House released some excerpts of the speech, which he may or may not deliver without improvisation or incident. They include: “Americans love their country. And they deserve a government that shows them the same love and loyalty in return;” “In our drive to make Washington accountable, we have eliminated more regulations in our first year than any administration in history,” [????] and, “For the last year we have sought to restore the bonds of trust between our citizens and their government.” I am! not! joking! around!

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Your team of Jezebel livebloggers is unable to witness this event without the numbing influence of alcohol and/or vape, and we imagine you can’t either, so we officially present the 2018 State of the Union Drink Until You Forget Who Is President Drinking Game, presented by the Jezebel staff:

  • One (1) sip every time Paul Ryan looks smug
  • One (1) sip at every mention of “the wall”
  • One (1) sip at every mention of Hillary Clinton
  • One (1) sip every time Melania Trump arrives at the State of the Union speech without Trump, bucking the trend of FLOTUS arriving with POTUS (that already happened, so that’s a free one for you)
  • One (1) sip every time Trump uses the construction, “Make America ____ again”
  • One (1) sip every time a member of the cabinet is shown looking a) villainous, b) drowsy, or c) constipated
  • One (1) sip every time a Trump child is shown, or referred to, or you accidentally summon their face into your mind’s eye
  • Chug one (1) beer if Trump says the words, “Me too” (in that order); if you don’t have a beer, find one
  • Finish ENTIRE (entire) drink if there is any mention of Rand Paul’s gardening dispute.

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Good luck. Stay safe. Join us in the live blog. Watch a live stream of the speech here.

This has been great, I’m going to enjoy some time crying

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A racist hellhole from literally the most dumbest fuck that could ever live. I feel a way... which is... I am gonna drink more wine in lieu of typing it. HMU if you wanna talk on the landline on the dark web.

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It was long but reportedly a low word count, like many 16-font final papers

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I thought I would be okay drunk, but I’m sad drunk. But who knows if we will ever have to go through this again?

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We lived through it, a whole hour and twenty minutes of painting a picture of a racist hell-hole

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One of the longest in history!!!

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THANK GODDDD

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I don’t think it’s teh wine, this has devolved into repetitive nonsense. When is it over??

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Thank god

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I don’t know, America sounded pretty fucking dark tonight

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“The people dreamed this country, the people built this country, and it’s the people who are making America great again”

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Yo... I don’t wanna like, Twitter pundit this shit... but this is the most obviously Hitler-esque thing I have ever seen in a speech from a sitting president, including the prior speeches from this dumb fuck.

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I saw one person walk away from their seat during that. Maybe a bathroom break but...

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Are people chanting Keep us Safe?? What’s happening?

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And now Republicans are chanting “USA”

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WHO IS CHANTING “USA! USA! USA!”

THIS IS SO FUCKED

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Please tell me this is over soon.

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He just plugged Christianity again, in case you haven’t heard of it

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Apparently patriotism is found in death and addiction

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As an aside, Trump seems more robust and enduring than usual. You think he went to the Goop conference? Does he have a yoni egg in his vagine?

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Third grieving family of the night

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